An open letter to the Arizona State offensive line

Dear Arizona State offensive line,

You may have noticed that at some point in the last week, you each received a box containing approximately one pound of dog fecal matter. If you have yet to receive said package, I'm afraid I have ruined the surprise. In either event, I'm sure several questions hang heavy on your mind right now. Who would do this? What could I have done to motivate this? More to the point, why, for the love of God, was I sent a box of dog shit?

Let me enlighten you with the answers to those questions. Those unpleasant parcels were sent by none other than me, Rudy Carpenter, the quarterback who has lined up for almost every snap of every game.

For the five of you, this obviously begs the question: why, Rudy, why? Because fuck every single one of your lardasses, thats why. You're all lucky that I didn't go Sgt. Dignam on each of you individually instead of just mailing you boxes of dog shit. I got sacked 55 times this season, which is...ah, fuck, I don't know. I'm an athlete at Arizona State. They don't make us learn things like simple arithmetic. I think our degrees are written in crayon, hooker lipstick, and bronzing oil. What were we even talking about? I've had trouble staying on topic because I've taken so many brutally head crushing shots this season. Oh, that's right, you all are fucking terrible at doing the only thing anyone asks your dumb asses to do.

It's not like this came out of nowhere, either. No, your commitment to shitty play extends well into last season, when you failures with legs gave up 37 sacks. Do you realize how hard it is to stand in the pocket, knowing theres a good chance you're about to get your shit pushed in? No, you don't, because you're too busy ushering linemen and blitzers into the backfield so I can take hits like this. I had to leave the game after that one because I was bleeding from the mouth. Let me repeat that: I BLED FROM THE FUCKING MOUTH. I'm no doctor, but normally that type of injury is reserved for people who got shot in the stomach or are otherwise in the process of being brutally murdered. I should sue every last one of you for sucking so hard. Jesus.

In light of your complete inability to do your jobs, I will take this letter as an opportunity to declare for the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and military drafts, not because I think I'm prepared to do any of these things professionally, but because I am going to end up dying from internal injuries on a football field if I have to stand behind that line for another season. Please, someone get me out of this hellhole.

Go Fuck Yourselves,

Rudy Carpenter

Physicists are bastards

I know several physics majors. They all have eyes and (mostly) functioning brains. Apparently, this makes them think it’s ok to ruin every action movie I ever watch in their presence. Here’s a typical exchange:

[Main character/hero does something badass, I laugh maniacally with approval]

Physics major: I’m sure he could really rappel 30 stories down an exploding skyscraper while having a threesome with that supermodel and the President’s daughter.

Me: Sorry for trying to enjoy myself. [puts dick back in pants]

Here’s the response I’ve been dying to give them: you’re so clever. You might actually be the first person to realize that Die Hard is unrealistic. And thank you so much for sharing this earth shattering revelation with me in the middle of the most important scenes. For the love of god, movies are considered escapism for a reason. You know what so-called ‘realistic movies’ are? Fucking boring. If I wanted realism, I’d follow some random stranger around all day. (I can tell you from experience, this sucks. At first, you’re watching them do nothing special, but then they see you and call the cops or start running or whatever. And I’m just not in good enough shape to fully experience this realism, to be honest with you.)

So anyway, physicis majors, I’m sorry I’m not trying to lead a joyless, completely rational life like all of you. Someday, you can make the most physically accurate action movie anyone has ever seen. I’m sure you wont be able to stop admiring that explosion that doesn’t result in a gloriously satisfying fireball, or the dead henchman who doesn’t get thrown into the wall by a single shotgun slug. All six of you who see it will have a great time.

That felt good. Here’s some things I think about this weekend’s football action:

CFB

-Noel Devine (WVU) is currently on pace to rush for over 800 yards this season on less than 80 carries. Sweet Jesus. Let’s see if he can keep that going against yet another grossly overmatched opponent.

-Michigan State scares me as a Badger fan, especially since the Badgers have yet to put on a strong performance this season. The front seven will need to have another strong performance to stop MSU’s rushing attack.

-Holy crap, am I excited for Cal-Oregon. DeSean Jackson makes moves that they took out of videogames for being unrealistic. Oregon has…a tough stadium to play in? I don’t know how much stock to put in beating the tar out of a reeling Michigan squad.

-It’s a shame the SEC is on CBS, whose HD coverage is crap. Seriously, CBS, you’re just embarrassing yourselves by not putting all your games in HD. Also, you, as a national network, are no longer allowed to advertise the fact that a game is in HD. This should be standard practice by now.

NFL

-Enough about how bad the NFC North is. Take a look at the NFC South. One of the ‘contenders’ in that division is so bad Jake Plummer chose to flee the NFL over playing for them.

-I’m intrigued to explore the depths of awfulness that is Norv Turner’s coaching when the Chargers play KC this week. Can he keep it close? Can he limit LT to under 100 yards once again?

-Tom Brady should have to play in a 3 piece suit on Monday night, just to make it interesting. But seriously, this game is going to be an ass kicking that probably isn’t even worth watching.

-I have a friend who claims Joey Harrington is a good quarterback. Does everyone know someone like this? Maybe he’s been paying people around the country to defend him because he’s a closet egomaniac. I see crazy in his eyes.

Jason's College Football Preview

I realize that this preview is being published after the college football season has technically started. Since yesterday’s four asskickings shed virtually no new light on the landscape (LSU has a good defense? Really?), it’s not a huge deal that this is coming out late. Still, I feel bad, so I’ll try to write something at least moderately original. Here are reverse predictions, i.e. things that won’t happen this season (starting with most likely to happen anyway):

Darren McFadden Not Winning the Heisman

I realize that the preseason favorite to win the Heisman trophy hardly ever does (see: Brady Quinn) but most preseason Heisman favorites don’t rush for 1600 yards while splitting carries and manage to be the best running back and quarterback on their team. This is a guy who, in the Capitol One Bowl, the Wisconsin Badgers supposedly “bottled up.” He ran for 89 yards on 19 carries! McFadden is outrageously good, and even if he doesn’t win the Heisman, he will probably defend his title as Actual Best Player in College Football*.

Colt Brennan Not Leading the Nation in Pass Efficiency

You can call Colt Brennan a system quarterback. If you say this, you are wrong. It’s pretty simple. System quarterbacks gain a lot of yards and throw a lot of touchdowns, but in doing so they normally throw a lot of incompletions and interceptions. Last year, Colt Brennan led the nation in touchdowns and passing yardage, but he also completed an absurd 72.6% of his passes and led the nation in passer rating by nearly 17 points. His play is not a fluke. Colt Brennan isn’t a system quarterback, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the country. He’s also a badass who stole some shit in Colorado, and got kicked out and exiled to Hawaii, but that’s beside the point.

Four Teams Finishing the Season Undefeated; BCS Computers Melt/Explode

There has been some rumbling that four teams, specifically USC, LSU, Michigan and West Virginia, could finish the season undefeated (I’m looking at you, Dan Shanoff and ESPN). Apparently this would cause the beginning of the biblical apocalypse and penises everywhere would fly off their host bodies and seize control of the world (or something like that). But seriously, I really don’t understand what would cause someone to predict something that has never even come close to happening. This isn’t going out on a limb, this is climbing a tree blindfolded and shouting, “I bet there’s a limb here!” and diving headfirst into nothing. Let’s look at each team individually. USC probably has the best chance at going undefeated, since they play in the Pac-10 and are as talented as ever. LSU has never lived up to expectations under Les Miles, and the SEC is once again loaded. How is this a recipe for an undefeated season? Michigan lost basically their entire defense to the draft, and their month of November is as follows: at Michigan State, at Wisconsin, Ohio State. Michigan never plays well in East Lansing, the Badgers are as good as they’ve ever been and looking to avenge their only loss last season, and Ohio State is still Ohio State (meaning Jim Tressel is still making sure his players only take classes like Shapes 101, Colors 256, and Blocks 211 (ba dum ch!)). West Virginia plays Louisville, at Rutgers, and at an emerging South Florida program who last season smoked the Mountaineers in Morgantown. Shanoff has USC, Michigan, West Virginia, and Texas going undefeated. Texas is a logical choice because the Big 12 pretty much sucks, but they still have to play in the Big 12 championship game, a game that I think only exists to screw with the BCS and the bowl system in general.

Lou Holtz Saying Something Coherent

Or he says something without making that creepy spittle, watery noise. Both of these are extremely unlikely. I think it is a testament to the talent of his Notre Dame teams that they managed to succeed in spite of his crazy, geriatric rambling about government conspiracies, his favorite grocery store, and ways his pet has tried to kill him.

*Note: award only voted on by me