Dear Arizona State offensive line,
You may have noticed that at some point in the last week, you each received a box containing approximately one pound of dog fecal matter. If you have yet to receive said package, I'm afraid I have ruined the surprise. In either event, I'm sure several questions hang heavy on your mind right now. Who would do this? What could I have done to motivate this? More to the point, why, for the love of God, was I sent a box of dog shit?
Let me enlighten you with the answers to those questions. Those unpleasant parcels were sent by none other than me, Rudy Carpenter, the quarterback who has lined up for almost every snap of every game.
For the five of you, this obviously begs the question: why, Rudy, why? Because fuck every single one of your lardasses, thats why. You're all lucky that I didn't go Sgt. Dignam on each of you individually instead of just mailing you boxes of dog shit. I got sacked 55 times this season, which is...ah, fuck, I don't know. I'm an athlete at Arizona State. They don't make us learn things like simple arithmetic. I think our degrees are written in crayon, hooker lipstick, and bronzing oil. What were we even talking about? I've had trouble staying on topic because I've taken so many brutally head crushing shots this season. Oh, that's right, you all are fucking terrible at doing the only thing anyone asks your dumb asses to do.
It's not like this came out of nowhere, either. No, your commitment to shitty play extends well into last season, when you failures with legs gave up 37 sacks. Do you realize how hard it is to stand in the pocket, knowing theres a good chance you're about to get your shit pushed in? No, you don't, because you're too busy ushering linemen and blitzers into the backfield so I can take hits like this. I had to leave the game after that one because I was bleeding from the mouth. Let me repeat that: I BLED FROM THE FUCKING MOUTH. I'm no doctor, but normally that type of injury is reserved for people who got shot in the stomach or are otherwise in the process of being brutally murdered. I should sue every last one of you for sucking so hard. Jesus.
In light of your complete inability to do your jobs, I will take this letter as an opportunity to declare for the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and military drafts, not because I think I'm prepared to do any of these things professionally, but because I am going to end up dying from internal injuries on a football field if I have to stand behind that line for another season. Please, someone get me out of this hellhole.
Go Fuck Yourselves,
Rudy Carpenter
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