IT'S ALIVE

....for now. While I'm still drunk.

Observations from the hiatus/shutdown:

1. the brewers are AWESOME.

2. damn you brett favre. your crying made me write both earnestly and poorly. perhaps the two are related? in the words of kurt vonnegut, someone should look into this.

3. the bucks are still terrible, in case that was keeping anyone up at night. can we just move this team so i can adopt a real franchise as my nba team with impunity?

maybe i'll continue updating this, maybe i won't. maybe i'll convince john to. i just don't know. all i know is that no one will be on pins and needles waiting for my/our decision.

Let Me Tell You How I Will Save Indiana Basketball

Look, I know some people are probably criticizing IU for giving me an 8 year contract worth over $2 million per year. I'm here to tell you something: do NOT listen to these people. They are public private school assholes who have nothing better to do than bring down my adoring public.

I was worth every red penny (get what I did there? I'm so clever). Here's how I'm going to save Indiana basketball:

Shooting Guards: Number 2 in your coaching strategy books, number 1 in your hearts. Let me tell you, shooting guards are fantastic. They're so great that I started four of them at one time this season at Marquette. Sure, we called Lazar Hayward and Wes Matthews forwards, and Dominic James a point guard, but who am I kidding? They all did the same damn thing. In fact, there's only one thing that shooting guards can't do well, which brings me to my second point....

Ball Screens: People tell me that I should try to "run an offense" with things like "off ball movement" and "passes." These people are way off base. For one thing, there is tons of off ball movement in my offensive system--the tall African du jour has to run all the way from the paint to the top of the key to screen the shooting guard who is dribbling (or point guard, if you want to get technical about it), and then he has to run all the way back to the paint to get called for over the back. No off ball movement, my ass.

Tall Africans: I learned the hard way that you can't play five shooting guards at the same time. And while I'll always have a special place in my heart for that Frederick Douglass Middle School 7th grade 'B' team, I realize now that you need some height on the floor all the time. They have to...um...whats that called, where you grab the missed shot? Rerounding? Sounds right. They have to reround. Now, don't think that because I play a big man (emphasis on the singular) means that I like having them on the floor. I hate seeing my shooting guards upstaged. Luckily, I found a great source of tall people with no discernible basketball skills--Africa. I just bring over some 7-footer to silence the haters and he makes my shooting guards look even better!

Steals: These make the crowd go wild. Who needs fundamental defense that actually prevents scoring when on approximately 10% of your opponents' possessions, you ignite your crowd? This game is all about momentum, not fundamentals. If you're on the road, I still recommend going for steals because everyone on your bench will jump around and take that, "oh no he di'in't" pose with their hands in front of their mouths. I guess you could call me an all or all type of guy; we either give you all excitement with a steal or all opposing possessions scoring points. Shot clock violations and defensive rerounds are for the weak.

So there you have it. The Big Ten won't know what hit them when I convince Dwyane Wade to play his last year of eligibility at Indiana.

Thoughts on Favre's Retirement

I’ve tried to write this piece twice on paper, and at least a dozen times in my head. Every time, I try to reconsider what Brett Favre meant and what his retirement means. Brett Favre was a savior for football in Wisconsin. He almost single handedly pulled the national spotlight back onto a small paper city in Eastern Wisconsin. He is without a doubt the greatest player in the illustrious history of the Green Bay Packers. In this way, his exit signifies the end of an era for older fans.

Favre, however, was also a fixture in the NFL for so long that many don’t know the league without him. Any Packer fan under the age of 21 literally does not know the Packers without Brett Favre. He has taken at least a few snaps in every Packer game we have ever seen. None of us will really fully grasp the implications of this until the beginning of next season, when Aaron Rodgers trots out as our starting quarterback.

On the other hand, opposing fans, particularly those of the Lions, Bears, and Vikings, hated Brett Favre. To them, Favre was a talented but overrated quarterback who turned the ball over a lot and consistently failed to win in domes for much of his career. They despised him, but most of them would also admit that they would give up their first born child for a quarterback with as much talent as he had. They’re glad he’s gone, but even they will miss having an object on which to focus such blinding hatred.

Casual fans have yet another conception of Favre. He famously embodied toughness and durability at a fairly unstable and injury prone position. His consecutive starts streak has been built into a modern legend. He’s simultaneously seen as fun loving and competitive. His very public tribulations have humanized him to a degree no other superstar ever was.

The media adoration of Favre is readily apparent in mainstream media outlets, but a vocal backlash against him is present, and has been growing in recent years. Many have been critical of the way the media covers Favre—they believe he’s given a break because of his candor and ‘aw shucks’ personality in interviews and press conferences. These people don’t see a country boy, they see a savvy superstar who got the press on his side.

All these rewrites and re-thinks have brought me to a single conclusion: Brett Favre may not have been the best football player ever, but based on the aforementioned footprints he has left on the game, he very well could be the most important. Much like Michael Jordan did in the nineties, Favre managed to become the most important (and probably best) player of his era. Their skills captivated millions, spawned backyard imitators, and led to ubiquitous media presences. Michael inspired much of the same intense loyalty and fierce hatred as Favre. Both famously overcame injuries and sickness to play outstanding games. Both were lauded by the press for their skills and competitiveness.

However, unlike Michael Jordan, Brett Favre wasn’t a blank slate. Jordan was whoever the fan wanted him to be, and that’s exactly how he wanted it. Brett Favre, on the other hand, just was. Now, he certainly could handle a press room, but Favre made few efforts to hide his problems. He was disarmingly open about his addictions to alcohol and painkillers, and the problems it was causing his marriage. He hoped that, in spite of all this, we would accept him. His critics might say we never knew the “real Brett Favre,” but I think we have a pretty good idea.

Trades that should have happened

This was a pretty exciting February for the NBA. The Lakers, Suns, and Mavs all made big splashes by trading for Pau Gasol, Shaq, and Jason Kidd, respectively. The Hornets did that thing where you run up the diving board to make a big splash, but then slip, hit your head, and fall limply into the pool by trading for Bonzi Wells and Mike James. Still, I have to give all these teams credit for trying to improve to make an all important playoff push.

Guess who, once again, failed to make any moves? The Milwaukee Bucks. Laugh if you will, but the Bucks are currently stuck in no man's land--too good to land a high lottery pick, too bad to get out of the first round, even in the East (which is pretty damn bad). Some might argue that this team is worth bolstering, since they are only 3 games out of a playoff spot despite being 14 games under .500. Currently there are no more than three people who agree with this stance, and two of them are named Larry. I'm here to propose some trades that will help us achieve a more reachable goal: let's blow this bitch up!

NOTE: None of these trades are espn.com Trade Machine approved because I am a closet old person who doesn't understand technology. I could be typing this as a .txt file for all I know 000110101 (that's binary for an exclamation point) Still, I tried to approximately match salaries based on what I think/know players make (I work too hard, I know).

Trade 1: Michael Redd and Jake Voskuhl to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant

I know you think this trade is woefully unfair, but think about it for a minute. If this trade went through, the Lakers would get two players, both of whom have played in Final Fours, one of whom has won an NCAA title. The Bucks get back one measly player, and he didn't play in a single Final Four. He didn't even go to college, and everyone goes to college now. He must be retarded or something. Kobe recently changed his number from 8 to 24. What a slap in the face to the Laker fanbase. He won't have that problem in Milwaukee, because he could wear 9.432533 x 10^-13, and the Bradley Center would still only be a third full. Also, Michael Redd would shoot lots of long threes and those are fun.
(Aside: Jake Voskuhl is making $1.5 million per rebound per game. Huzzah!)

Trade 2: Dan Gadzuric and Two Clones of Dan Gadzuric to the Bulls for Ben Wallace

This has to be the only reason we still have this guy, right? Larry Harris is a closet geneticist who has perfected human cloning and has been forcing Larry Krystowiak to play the clones so Harris can conduct all his experiments right in front of our faces. And by 'our faces,' I mean an arena that is 33% full. No one cares about the Bucks. Either way, since the real Dan Gadzuric makes $5 million, three of them will match salary with Ben Wallace. Then the Bulls can simultaneously play three people who are incapable of making shots that are not dunks, and as a circus sideshow bonus, they will all be genetically identical.

Trade 3: Yi Jianlian to the Kansas State Wildcats for Michael Beasley

Yi Jianlian never went to college, so he still has four years of eligibility. Everyone knows Beasley is gone, so why not unload him now and get something for him in return, Wildcat fans? Plus, I hear Yi Jianlian is looking to expand his brand, and where better than the world culture center that is Manhattan? (ssh, he still thinks Milwaukee is actually North Los Angeles)

Trade 4: Larry Harris to the Seventh Level of Hell for A Gillette Fusion Razor

The razor will be used to make Larry Krystowiak shave his sex offender goatee. That way the children can come back to games, which will raise attendance. Then the Bucks can employ their first idea for a slogan this season: "Bucks Basketball: the arena is half full, at least on weekends!"

Trade 5: Larry Krystowiak to the Mafia for A Gunny Sack Filled With Nickels

This will allow us to give a steady job to the Larry we don't despise and a satisfyingly merciless beating to the one we do. God, Larry Harris sucks.

In conclusion, Larry Harris is a terrible GM. At least Bill Simmons would be a train wreck of a GM in an intriguing way. Harris has somehow manage to almost clandestinely bland, probably because he knows he sucks and just wants to hold onto this sweet gig for as long as he possibly can. Lucky for him, Herb Kohl actually has less interest in the Bucks than most Wisconsinites, which is impressive, since the most money the average person has invested in the Bucks is the money they spent on their Darvin Ham jersey seven years ago. Whatever, I'm done. The Bucks are dead to me. I'm a Suns fan now.

Bob Knight...okay

So apparently Bob Knight is retired. As of now.

"I didn't know, I've never really known when I was going to step down from this job. As I thought about it, my first thought was at the end of this season," Knight told the Lubbock paper. "My thinking was .. the best thing for the long run for this team would be for Pat and his staff to coach these remaining 10 games."

His statement on the matter is strangely ambiguous, especially considering he's, you know, Bob Knight. Although he didn't really have a reason to imply that journalists are mentally disabled, which is more in his wheelhouse. However, the real question here is why Knight chose to retire now instead of at the end of this or last season. His son, who is slated to become head coach, claims Knight is 'tired.' Wow, really, Pat Knight? Doing one of the most demanding jobs in the world is tiring for 67 year old man? You should be a doctor!

We'll probably never know why Bob Knight chose to retire now, because that would mean we understand how his mind works. Clearly, this will never happen since Knight spent 29 years in Indiana. Scientists still haven't figured out what that kind of proximity to constant boredom does to people, but it normally has effects like this:


Oh, wait. That's rabies. The moral of this story: Bob Knight is crazy.

Aside: The name of the newspaper in Lubbock, Texas is the Avalanche-Journal. This name is both baffling and pretty friggin' cool. We should start naming other cities' newspapers after natural disasters too.

Attn: Citizens of Memphis

An advisory has been put into effect for the following areas: Beale Street.

Director of Police Larry A. Godwin has urged all citizens of Memphis who will be celebrating any occasion in the downtown area of Memphis to please consider alternative dessert options. Pies and Ice Cream (potentially Frozen Custard) have been named to the top of the city's replacement advisory list. Citizens should be cautious when handling funnel cake, cup cakes and pound cake. The Department strongly urges all citizens to avoid birthday cake at all cost, and face potential seizure by patrolling officers to prevent disastrous consequences.

Also, Director Godwin would like to make a note of welcoming newly acquired Grizzly Kwame Brown to the great city of Memphis.

So this game might be important to Packer fans

Well, thanks to Green Bay's Fox affiliate, the Packers have all but sealed up this Sunday's NFC title game. To avoid "giving comfort to the enemy," Fox is canceling their Saturday afternoon broadcast of Seinfeld because it is Eli Manning's favorite show. While this is sure to be effective, here are some other things to try to really rub salt on the wound:

• Take Eli's cabbage patch kids collection hostage
• Steal his squash racquet
• Stop his Citizen Eco Drive watch
• Draw mustaches on all his pictures in his morning paper
  
• Encourage all fans at the game to chant his birth name, Elisha
• Kick Plaxico Burress in the ankle

Seriously though, I like the Packers more than five of the continents and I think this is pretty ridiculous. What will he do? Maybe watch the show on any of the TWENTY OTHER CHANNELS it plays on all the time. Though I do appreciate the effort Green Bay. Just be smarter (or meaner) next time. Maybe instead of withholding Seinfeld from Eli, they should play this, this, and this all day Saturday. Yep, that'll do it.