Look, I know some people are probably criticizing IU for giving me an 8 year contract worth over $2 million per year. I'm here to tell you something: do NOT listen to these people. They are
I was worth every red penny (get what I did there? I'm so clever). Here's how I'm going to save Indiana basketball:
Shooting Guards: Number 2 in your coaching strategy books, number 1 in your hearts. Let me tell you, shooting guards are fantastic. They're so great that I started four of them at one time this season at Marquette. Sure, we called Lazar Hayward and Wes Matthews forwards, and Dominic James a point guard, but who am I kidding? They all did the same damn thing. In fact, there's only one thing that shooting guards can't do well, which brings me to my second point....
Ball Screens: People tell me that I should try to "run an offense" with things like "off ball movement" and "passes." These people are way off base. For one thing, there is tons of off ball movement in my offensive system--the tall African du jour has to run all the way from the paint to the top of the key to screen the shooting guard who is dribbling (or point guard, if you want to get technical about it), and then he has to run all the way back to the paint to get called for over the back. No off ball movement, my ass.
Tall Africans: I learned the hard way that you can't play five shooting guards at the same time. And while I'll always have a special place in my heart for that Frederick Douglass Middle School 7th grade 'B' team, I realize now that you need some height on the floor all the time. They have to...um...whats that called, where you grab the missed shot? Rerounding? Sounds right. They have to reround. Now, don't think that because I play a big man (emphasis on the singular) means that I like having them on the floor. I hate seeing my shooting guards upstaged. Luckily, I found a great source of tall people with no discernible basketball skills--Africa. I just bring over some 7-footer to silence the haters and he makes my shooting guards look even better!
Steals: These make the crowd go wild. Who needs fundamental defense that actually prevents scoring when on approximately 10% of your opponents' possessions, you ignite your crowd? This game is all about momentum, not fundamentals. If you're on the road, I still recommend going for steals because everyone on your bench will jump around and take that, "oh no he di'in't" pose with their hands in front of their mouths. I guess you could call me an all or all type of guy; we either give you all excitement with a steal or all opposing possessions scoring points. Shot clock violations and defensive rerounds are for the weak.
So there you have it. The Big Ten won't know what hit them when I convince Dwyane Wade to play his last year of eligibility at Indiana.
