This was a pretty exciting February for the NBA. The Lakers, Suns, and Mavs all made big splashes by trading for Pau Gasol, Shaq, and Jason Kidd, respectively. The Hornets did that thing where you run up the diving board to make a big splash, but then slip, hit your head, and fall limply into the pool by trading for Bonzi Wells and Mike James. Still, I have to give all these teams credit for trying to improve to make an all important playoff push.
Guess who, once again, failed to make any moves? The Milwaukee Bucks. Laugh if you will, but the Bucks are currently stuck in no man's land--too good to land a high lottery pick, too bad to get out of the first round, even in the East (which is pretty damn bad). Some might argue that this team is worth bolstering, since they are only 3 games out of a playoff spot despite being 14 games under .500. Currently there are no more than three people who agree with this stance, and two of them are named Larry. I'm here to propose some trades that will help us achieve a more reachable goal: let's blow this bitch up!
NOTE: None of these trades are espn.com Trade Machine approved because I am a closet old person who doesn't understand technology. I could be typing this as a .txt file for all I know 000110101 (that's binary for an exclamation point) Still, I tried to approximately match salaries based on what I think/know players make (I work too hard, I know).
Trade 1: Michael Redd and Jake Voskuhl to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant
I know you think this trade is woefully unfair, but think about it for a minute. If this trade went through, the Lakers would get two players, both of whom have played in Final Fours, one of whom has won an NCAA title. The Bucks get back one measly player, and he didn't play in a single Final Four. He didn't even go to college, and everyone goes to college now. He must be retarded or something. Kobe recently changed his number from 8 to 24. What a slap in the face to the Laker fanbase. He won't have that problem in Milwaukee, because he could wear 9.432533 x 10^-13, and the Bradley Center would still only be a third full. Also, Michael Redd would shoot lots of long threes and those are fun.
(Aside: Jake Voskuhl is making $1.5 million per rebound per game. Huzzah!)
Trade 2: Dan Gadzuric and Two Clones of Dan Gadzuric to the Bulls for Ben Wallace
This has to be the only reason we still have this guy, right? Larry Harris is a closet geneticist who has perfected human cloning and has been forcing Larry Krystowiak to play the clones so Harris can conduct all his experiments right in front of our faces. And by 'our faces,' I mean an arena that is 33% full. No one cares about the Bucks. Either way, since the real Dan Gadzuric makes $5 million, three of them will match salary with Ben Wallace. Then the Bulls can simultaneously play three people who are incapable of making shots that are not dunks, and as a circus sideshow bonus, they will all be genetically identical.
Trade 3: Yi Jianlian to the Kansas State Wildcats for Michael Beasley
Yi Jianlian never went to college, so he still has four years of eligibility. Everyone knows Beasley is gone, so why not unload him now and get something for him in return, Wildcat fans? Plus, I hear Yi Jianlian is looking to expand his brand, and where better than the world culture center that is Manhattan? (ssh, he still thinks Milwaukee is actually North Los Angeles)
Trade 4: Larry Harris to the Seventh Level of Hell for A Gillette Fusion Razor
The razor will be used to make Larry Krystowiak shave his sex offender goatee. That way the children can come back to games, which will raise attendance. Then the Bucks can employ their first idea for a slogan this season: "Bucks Basketball: the arena is half full, at least on weekends!"
Trade 5: Larry Krystowiak to the Mafia for A Gunny Sack Filled With Nickels
This will allow us to give a steady job to the Larry we don't despise and a satisfyingly merciless beating to the one we do. God, Larry Harris sucks.
In conclusion, Larry Harris is a terrible GM. At least Bill Simmons would be a train wreck of a GM in an intriguing way. Harris has somehow manage to almost clandestinely bland, probably because he knows he sucks and just wants to hold onto this sweet gig for as long as he possibly can. Lucky for him, Herb Kohl actually has less interest in the Bucks than most Wisconsinites, which is impressive, since the most money the average person has invested in the Bucks is the money they spent on their Darvin Ham jersey seven years ago. Whatever, I'm done. The Bucks are dead to me. I'm a Suns fan now.
Guess who, once again, failed to make any moves? The Milwaukee Bucks. Laugh if you will, but the Bucks are currently stuck in no man's land--too good to land a high lottery pick, too bad to get out of the first round, even in the East (which is pretty damn bad). Some might argue that this team is worth bolstering, since they are only 3 games out of a playoff spot despite being 14 games under .500. Currently there are no more than three people who agree with this stance, and two of them are named Larry. I'm here to propose some trades that will help us achieve a more reachable goal: let's blow this bitch up!
NOTE: None of these trades are espn.com Trade Machine approved because I am a closet old person who doesn't understand technology. I could be typing this as a .txt file for all I know 000110101 (that's binary for an exclamation point) Still, I tried to approximately match salaries based on what I think/know players make (I work too hard, I know).
Trade 1: Michael Redd and Jake Voskuhl to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant
I know you think this trade is woefully unfair, but think about it for a minute. If this trade went through, the Lakers would get two players, both of whom have played in Final Fours, one of whom has won an NCAA title. The Bucks get back one measly player, and he didn't play in a single Final Four. He didn't even go to college, and everyone goes to college now. He must be retarded or something. Kobe recently changed his number from 8 to 24. What a slap in the face to the Laker fanbase. He won't have that problem in Milwaukee, because he could wear 9.432533 x 10^-13, and the Bradley Center would still only be a third full. Also, Michael Redd would shoot lots of long threes and those are fun.
(Aside: Jake Voskuhl is making $1.5 million per rebound per game. Huzzah!)
Trade 2: Dan Gadzuric and Two Clones of Dan Gadzuric to the Bulls for Ben Wallace
This has to be the only reason we still have this guy, right? Larry Harris is a closet geneticist who has perfected human cloning and has been forcing Larry Krystowiak to play the clones so Harris can conduct all his experiments right in front of our faces. And by 'our faces,' I mean an arena that is 33% full. No one cares about the Bucks. Either way, since the real Dan Gadzuric makes $5 million, three of them will match salary with Ben Wallace. Then the Bulls can simultaneously play three people who are incapable of making shots that are not dunks, and as a circus sideshow bonus, they will all be genetically identical.
Trade 3: Yi Jianlian to the Kansas State Wildcats for Michael Beasley
Yi Jianlian never went to college, so he still has four years of eligibility. Everyone knows Beasley is gone, so why not unload him now and get something for him in return, Wildcat fans? Plus, I hear Yi Jianlian is looking to expand his brand, and where better than the world culture center that is Manhattan? (ssh, he still thinks Milwaukee is actually North Los Angeles)
Trade 4: Larry Harris to the Seventh Level of Hell for A Gillette Fusion Razor
The razor will be used to make Larry Krystowiak shave his sex offender goatee. That way the children can come back to games, which will raise attendance. Then the Bucks can employ their first idea for a slogan this season: "Bucks Basketball: the arena is half full, at least on weekends!"
Trade 5: Larry Krystowiak to the Mafia for A Gunny Sack Filled With Nickels
This will allow us to give a steady job to the Larry we don't despise and a satisfyingly merciless beating to the one we do. God, Larry Harris sucks.
In conclusion, Larry Harris is a terrible GM. At least Bill Simmons would be a train wreck of a GM in an intriguing way. Harris has somehow manage to almost clandestinely bland, probably because he knows he sucks and just wants to hold onto this sweet gig for as long as he possibly can. Lucky for him, Herb Kohl actually has less interest in the Bucks than most Wisconsinites, which is impressive, since the most money the average person has invested in the Bucks is the money they spent on their Darvin Ham jersey seven years ago. Whatever, I'm done. The Bucks are dead to me. I'm a Suns fan now.
