Michael Flowers has already stolen your girlfriend

Just kidding! You read this blog; there's no way you have a girlfriend, loser. Here is a picture to make you feel better:

An open letter to the Arizona State offensive line

Dear Arizona State offensive line,

You may have noticed that at some point in the last week, you each received a box containing approximately one pound of dog fecal matter. If you have yet to receive said package, I'm afraid I have ruined the surprise. In either event, I'm sure several questions hang heavy on your mind right now. Who would do this? What could I have done to motivate this? More to the point, why, for the love of God, was I sent a box of dog shit?

Let me enlighten you with the answers to those questions. Those unpleasant parcels were sent by none other than me, Rudy Carpenter, the quarterback who has lined up for almost every snap of every game.

For the five of you, this obviously begs the question: why, Rudy, why? Because fuck every single one of your lardasses, thats why. You're all lucky that I didn't go Sgt. Dignam on each of you individually instead of just mailing you boxes of dog shit. I got sacked 55 times this season, which is...ah, fuck, I don't know. I'm an athlete at Arizona State. They don't make us learn things like simple arithmetic. I think our degrees are written in crayon, hooker lipstick, and bronzing oil. What were we even talking about? I've had trouble staying on topic because I've taken so many brutally head crushing shots this season. Oh, that's right, you all are fucking terrible at doing the only thing anyone asks your dumb asses to do.

It's not like this came out of nowhere, either. No, your commitment to shitty play extends well into last season, when you failures with legs gave up 37 sacks. Do you realize how hard it is to stand in the pocket, knowing theres a good chance you're about to get your shit pushed in? No, you don't, because you're too busy ushering linemen and blitzers into the backfield so I can take hits like this. I had to leave the game after that one because I was bleeding from the mouth. Let me repeat that: I BLED FROM THE FUCKING MOUTH. I'm no doctor, but normally that type of injury is reserved for people who got shot in the stomach or are otherwise in the process of being brutally murdered. I should sue every last one of you for sucking so hard. Jesus.

In light of your complete inability to do your jobs, I will take this letter as an opportunity to declare for the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and military drafts, not because I think I'm prepared to do any of these things professionally, but because I am going to end up dying from internal injuries on a football field if I have to stand behind that line for another season. Please, someone get me out of this hellhole.

Go Fuck Yourselves,

Rudy Carpenter

Padres' hot stove boils over, sizzles violently until they panic and turn the heat down slightly

It was reported yesterday that Mark Prior, his paper mache joints, and the Padres agreed to a 1 year, $1 million contract with another $4.5 million in incentives. While on paper this deal appears to be motivated by no logic whatsoever, further research shows that the team also signed Randy Wolf, who is coming off shoulder surgery on his throwing arm. It appears that the Padres are attempting to stock up on the injured, possibly because their team doctors are bored, or they owe a lot of money to a loan shark who is also a surgeon. I just don't know, and I promise to do no research whatsoever to get to the bottom of what I'm sure is a Manchurian Candidate-esque conspiracy.

Anyway, I realize that Major League Baseball players make a lot of money and whatever, but Mark Prior is worth A MILLION DOLLARS?! Really? The only way the Padres are going to get their money's worth from this deal is to pencil in Prior's first regular season start as "Mark Prior Exploding Shoulder Day" and see if they can sell out by giving away signs that look like this:



I'm eagerly anticipating the day Mark Prior gets a surgery named after him.

NL Infields

I just realized that the last two NL MVPs have come from the Phillies, which, you know, doesn't make any sense because they suck. I don't fault either one of the MVPs, because they both Howard and Rollins deserved it, but to win back to back should connote some time of success. I got to thinking that the most likely MVP on that team has to be Chase Utley, if one were to put vegas odds on the upcoming season. Well, that makes 3/4s of the infield MVP caliber, a very high fraction. When arguing about the Brewers, I always make the claim that we have one of the best infields in the MLB, but the first step should be to see if we are the best in the NL. Well, besides the Phillies, Florida would have been a great choice, but they traded the anchor of their infield (Cabrera) this off-season. Other than that, I can't really think of anyone nearly as good as the Brewers/Phils. I actually have to go now, but I will be back with a breakdown of the two teams later on.

Not today

Jason and i had this really cool plan where we were going to do a point counterpoint with the greatest individual streaks of all time in sports. Eric Gange's 84 straight saves, to me, was the greatest thing one player in baseball could do. Every save equaled a win, and he had no certainty about playing time in a game. But right now, i just feel kinda sick. I really don't want to think about baseball for a couple of months.

How hard is this?

C- Jason Kendall
1B- Prince Fielder
2B- Rickie Weeks
3B- Ryan Braun
SS- JJ Hardy
LF- Tony Gwynn/Joe Dillon (.342/.390/.500)
RF- Corey Hart
CF- Bill Hall

Bench: Gross, Mench, Rottino, Rivera, Counsell

Ace- Ben Sheets
2- Yo-do
3- Jeff Suppan
4- Via
5- Dave Bush

LR- Parra
SU- Shouse
SU- Riske
C- Turnbow

There, fine, we are all in agreement. jeeze, calm down.