Physicists are bastards

I know several physics majors. They all have eyes and (mostly) functioning brains. Apparently, this makes them think it’s ok to ruin every action movie I ever watch in their presence. Here’s a typical exchange:

[Main character/hero does something badass, I laugh maniacally with approval]

Physics major: I’m sure he could really rappel 30 stories down an exploding skyscraper while having a threesome with that supermodel and the President’s daughter.

Me: Sorry for trying to enjoy myself. [puts dick back in pants]

Here’s the response I’ve been dying to give them: you’re so clever. You might actually be the first person to realize that Die Hard is unrealistic. And thank you so much for sharing this earth shattering revelation with me in the middle of the most important scenes. For the love of god, movies are considered escapism for a reason. You know what so-called ‘realistic movies’ are? Fucking boring. If I wanted realism, I’d follow some random stranger around all day. (I can tell you from experience, this sucks. At first, you’re watching them do nothing special, but then they see you and call the cops or start running or whatever. And I’m just not in good enough shape to fully experience this realism, to be honest with you.)

So anyway, physicis majors, I’m sorry I’m not trying to lead a joyless, completely rational life like all of you. Someday, you can make the most physically accurate action movie anyone has ever seen. I’m sure you wont be able to stop admiring that explosion that doesn’t result in a gloriously satisfying fireball, or the dead henchman who doesn’t get thrown into the wall by a single shotgun slug. All six of you who see it will have a great time.

That felt good. Here’s some things I think about this weekend’s football action:

CFB

-Noel Devine (WVU) is currently on pace to rush for over 800 yards this season on less than 80 carries. Sweet Jesus. Let’s see if he can keep that going against yet another grossly overmatched opponent.

-Michigan State scares me as a Badger fan, especially since the Badgers have yet to put on a strong performance this season. The front seven will need to have another strong performance to stop MSU’s rushing attack.

-Holy crap, am I excited for Cal-Oregon. DeSean Jackson makes moves that they took out of videogames for being unrealistic. Oregon has…a tough stadium to play in? I don’t know how much stock to put in beating the tar out of a reeling Michigan squad.

-It’s a shame the SEC is on CBS, whose HD coverage is crap. Seriously, CBS, you’re just embarrassing yourselves by not putting all your games in HD. Also, you, as a national network, are no longer allowed to advertise the fact that a game is in HD. This should be standard practice by now.

NFL

-Enough about how bad the NFC North is. Take a look at the NFC South. One of the ‘contenders’ in that division is so bad Jake Plummer chose to flee the NFL over playing for them.

-I’m intrigued to explore the depths of awfulness that is Norv Turner’s coaching when the Chargers play KC this week. Can he keep it close? Can he limit LT to under 100 yards once again?

-Tom Brady should have to play in a 3 piece suit on Monday night, just to make it interesting. But seriously, this game is going to be an ass kicking that probably isn’t even worth watching.

-I have a friend who claims Joey Harrington is a good quarterback. Does everyone know someone like this? Maybe he’s been paying people around the country to defend him because he’s a closet egomaniac. I see crazy in his eyes.

Mike Ditka is the Eddie Murphy of Sunday NFL Countdown

Thanks, ESPN. I just got to suffer through a sketch written by and starring Mike Ditka about why the Jets, Giants, and Eagles are terrible. Ditka played a bartender who acts suspiciously like Mike Ditka, but that’s not all. He also played a Giants fan, a Jets fan, and an Eagles fan who act suspiciously like Mike Ditka as well.

Not only did Ditka get to display his Pacino-esque range by playing four different angry football fans, he also showed us his creativity and extensive vocabulary. Like when the Giants fan said to the Eagles fan, “Wait a minute, butthead, your team sucks too!” Genius, Mr. Ditka, pure genius.

Jason's College Football Preview

I realize that this preview is being published after the college football season has technically started. Since yesterday’s four asskickings shed virtually no new light on the landscape (LSU has a good defense? Really?), it’s not a huge deal that this is coming out late. Still, I feel bad, so I’ll try to write something at least moderately original. Here are reverse predictions, i.e. things that won’t happen this season (starting with most likely to happen anyway):

Darren McFadden Not Winning the Heisman

I realize that the preseason favorite to win the Heisman trophy hardly ever does (see: Brady Quinn) but most preseason Heisman favorites don’t rush for 1600 yards while splitting carries and manage to be the best running back and quarterback on their team. This is a guy who, in the Capitol One Bowl, the Wisconsin Badgers supposedly “bottled up.” He ran for 89 yards on 19 carries! McFadden is outrageously good, and even if he doesn’t win the Heisman, he will probably defend his title as Actual Best Player in College Football*.

Colt Brennan Not Leading the Nation in Pass Efficiency

You can call Colt Brennan a system quarterback. If you say this, you are wrong. It’s pretty simple. System quarterbacks gain a lot of yards and throw a lot of touchdowns, but in doing so they normally throw a lot of incompletions and interceptions. Last year, Colt Brennan led the nation in touchdowns and passing yardage, but he also completed an absurd 72.6% of his passes and led the nation in passer rating by nearly 17 points. His play is not a fluke. Colt Brennan isn’t a system quarterback, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the country. He’s also a badass who stole some shit in Colorado, and got kicked out and exiled to Hawaii, but that’s beside the point.

Four Teams Finishing the Season Undefeated; BCS Computers Melt/Explode

There has been some rumbling that four teams, specifically USC, LSU, Michigan and West Virginia, could finish the season undefeated (I’m looking at you, Dan Shanoff and ESPN). Apparently this would cause the beginning of the biblical apocalypse and penises everywhere would fly off their host bodies and seize control of the world (or something like that). But seriously, I really don’t understand what would cause someone to predict something that has never even come close to happening. This isn’t going out on a limb, this is climbing a tree blindfolded and shouting, “I bet there’s a limb here!” and diving headfirst into nothing. Let’s look at each team individually. USC probably has the best chance at going undefeated, since they play in the Pac-10 and are as talented as ever. LSU has never lived up to expectations under Les Miles, and the SEC is once again loaded. How is this a recipe for an undefeated season? Michigan lost basically their entire defense to the draft, and their month of November is as follows: at Michigan State, at Wisconsin, Ohio State. Michigan never plays well in East Lansing, the Badgers are as good as they’ve ever been and looking to avenge their only loss last season, and Ohio State is still Ohio State (meaning Jim Tressel is still making sure his players only take classes like Shapes 101, Colors 256, and Blocks 211 (ba dum ch!)). West Virginia plays Louisville, at Rutgers, and at an emerging South Florida program who last season smoked the Mountaineers in Morgantown. Shanoff has USC, Michigan, West Virginia, and Texas going undefeated. Texas is a logical choice because the Big 12 pretty much sucks, but they still have to play in the Big 12 championship game, a game that I think only exists to screw with the BCS and the bowl system in general.

Lou Holtz Saying Something Coherent

Or he says something without making that creepy spittle, watery noise. Both of these are extremely unlikely. I think it is a testament to the talent of his Notre Dame teams that they managed to succeed in spite of his crazy, geriatric rambling about government conspiracies, his favorite grocery store, and ways his pet has tried to kill him.

*Note: award only voted on by me

Wow, we need to post more

This news is a follow up to our last post, which is almost a month old. Jesus, we're lazy (especially John). [variety.com via tvtattle.com]

UPDATE: Our last post was over a month ago, not almost a month ago. We apologize for the error and the sloth.

NBC redeems itself for "Football Night in America"

Current head of NBC Ben Silverman was already a good man in my book since he is one of the executive producers of The Office. With this news, however, he has cemented his status as somewhere between "bona fide badass" and "second coming of the messiah:"

Silverman confirmed that he's looking to develop a new take on the campy 1980s franchise "American Gladiators" via his old Reveille banner. Given the success of "Heroes," a reality show with superhero themes seems logical. Exec refused to discuss how the show may fit into NBC's brand, however, dismissing a question about the project by saying, "There's no deal done."

I would be worried that he's going to botch this completely and change everything that made Gladiators glorious to begin with, but Silverman gives viewers plenty of reasons to be confident. As previously mentioned, he is in charge of one of the funniest and most original shows on television. He also (and I cannot stress this enough) thinks it's a good idea to put American Gladiators back on television. I can probably count on one hand how many people agree with this decision. Most of the time I tell people I like American Gladiators, they look at me like I just stabbed a member of their family. For these people, I will now explain why American Gladiators is the absolute balls:

1. Steroids-Go take a second look at that picture. The gladiators make East German swimmers look responsible in their steroid intake. Those women have bigger balls than I do. Anyway, this helped the show by making it seem amazing that the contestants ever beat the gladiators in anything ever, even though their steroid addled bodies were about as agile as a drunken rhino.

2. The Eliminator-Remember when you were a kid, and you and your friends would set up obstacle courses on the playground for races? Well, if you took that childhood ingenuity and added to it copious amounts of money and brutality, you would get the Eliminator. The best obstacle in the Eliminator only appeared in the first season, where contestants had to cross a balance beam while the gladiators attempted to blindside them with medicine balls, because we all know nothing is more entertaining than 'roid rage, a 12 pound blunt weapon, and a target.

3. Joust-This event was great because it required absolutely no thought whatsoever. Coincidentally, this was also why the gladiators destroyed the contestants here. By far the best part of this event was host Mike Adamle interviewing the winner while sitting in a chair hanging from a boom 10 feet off the ground, one of the more visually awkward experiences I've ever had.

4. Interviews-Not just Adamle's post-joust interviews were hilariously awkward. The hosts of American Gladiators make today's sideline reporters look intelligent, well spoken, and insightful. Maybe its because most events in American Gladiators don't require even a hint of strategy, or maybe its because the hosts spoke only in cliche and never asked any questions, but most interviews were more awkward pause and stammering than actual speech. I can't imagine what Larry Csonka would be like on a date.
Larry: "So, you're eating food."
Date: "Yeah...this is a restaurant."
Larry: "You have the heart of a champion."
Date: "What? What is that even supposed to mean?"
Larry: "I wouldn't want you on my heels in a race."
Date: "I'm leaving."
5. Dorann Cumberbatch- Dorann was the female grand champion in the second season. She also has the distinction of being the most homely person (man or woman) I have ever laid eyes on. Her face literally haunts my dreams.

Wow, people are really that dumb

I have actually lost respect for deadspin.com after reading this terrible excuse for content they linked to.  apparently some guy who writes for "ontheshow" took it upon himself to glance at a Brewer's lineup and decide he knows more than anyone who actually "watches" baseball games.  His site does contain a disclaimer, "No research will be done in the making of anything . . . this is for humor purposes only" unfortunately he forgot to include jokes in his post, unless we were supposed to understand that his logical train was, in fact, a joke in its self.  At least some of my Brewer's fans out there got on him in the comments.  It just reminds me how much up hill fighting we in the midwest have to do to get any respect from the coast dwellers.  These guys are as bad as the ESPN the devoutly hate.  Do your best to have fun out there.

Ways Yi Jianlian and I are similar

1. We are both under the age of 23
2. We both have virtually no basketball experience against elite competition
3. We rock old men and furniture in games of one-on-one
4. We think Larry Harris and the Milwaukee Bucks are delusional if they believeYi Jianlian is playing professionally in Milwaukee

Seriously, what indicated to the Bucks that Yi wanted to play in Milwaukee? The fact that we were not invited to his private workouts? The fact that his agents said he would not play here? Maybe they thought that all 8 Chinese Milwaukeeans would attract him here, and they could start a very small, quaint China village (or just live in a very large house together).

Ugh. Larry Harris's bullshit is tainting my Percocet buzz.

UPDATE: Now, in addition to Yi's representation and Yi himself not wanting to play in Milwaukee, the Chinese National Team is forbidding him from doing so. And based on what I learned about the nation of China from Jack Bauer and 24, I'd say this is more a promise than a threat.