Lloyd Carr snorts blow off Drew Henne's ass, tonight on BTN!

Last year, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany decided that Big Ten sports weren't already, on their own, enough of a cash cow, so he decided to start the Big Ten Network. This network would start by showing shitty select football games to gain a toehold on cable systems (Charter, Time Warner, Comcast, and the like). Once this happened, they would begin showing more and more games until they controlled most Big Ten sports programming. This would make everyone associated with the Big Ten totally fucking rich.

pictured, from left to right: Jim Tressel, Jim Delany, Mark D'Antonio, Lloyd Carr

But, unfortunately for the Big Ten, no one wanted to pick up their network. There are several reasons for this, and I will go through them now:

• Cable Companies are all greedy assholes. Instead of picking up the network and placing them on basic cable like the Big Ten wants, cable companies want to put BTN in the sports tier package, basically so they can charge us more and pay less for BTN. In layman's terms, instead of making a lot of money, cable companies want to make a fucking lot of money. Apparently, this is a distinction only a complete asswipe can make.
  

Cable operators swim in the blood money of their customers.

• BTN is run by assholes. Instead of asking a reasonable price of cable companies, BTN is asking for $1.10 per subscriber. This means nothing to most of you. Know that CNN, one of the most watched cable networks in the world, asks $0.55 per subscriber. In light of this, BTN has the gall to complain that cable companies are depriving subscribers of the channel. Well, if they would just settle for a lot of money, instead of deciding they have to have a fucking lot of money, this could be settled.

Honestly, I wouldn't even really care about getting this network if the Big Ten hadn't decided recently to tighten the screws with cable operators by moving away from showing games that are shitty select, and actually showing games people want to watch, like my Badgers' showdown with top ranked Ohio State this weekend. And when my hedonistic desire to not leave my house unless alcohol is involved is inhibited by the Big Ten and Charter's desire to cackle and light cigars for classy hookers with $100 bills, shit's gonna go down, and it won't be pretty.

Wild Predictions

This is a feature I started while writing for the Flambeau back at MUHS.  In general, I say some pretty outlandish things, then refuse to back down.  So in honor of my terrible argument technique, I give you some WPs . . .

Bill Hall will bounce back in 2008, and will be in the conversation for Brewer's MVP with Fielder and Hardy . . . Yi will set a rookie record for most front office execs fired . . . Brett Favre . . . Candace Parker will be more dominant then any other player in college sports, and still no one cares . . . Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are the best two young players in any sport (yes Greg and Kevin, even you)

Counterpoint: Al Harris is not an asshole

Just kidding! Did you see his attempt to tackle Selvin Young in the fourth quarter? The refs called holding on the receiver, possibly because they feel bad for that ninny, but more likely because they, like the viewers, couldn't believe that Harris could have made such a poor attempt if he wasn't held. If the Packers want tackles like that, I just want to say that I'm available, and I only want, like, $100,000 a year. Dump this motherfucker already.

Also, Brett Favre is an All-American hero whose touchdown passes impregnate all women within a three mile radius. Take that, female Broncos fans!

Al Harris Sucks, Mike Shannhan knows this, Brett Favre does not care

This post will be broken up into two sections:

"to God the glory, and He came through for me in the end" 

~Greg Jennings post game interview

The receivers know of the divinity of number four.

Brett Favre is the greatest player to ever play sports.  His arm is the greatest national treasure, and could be the greatest thing the world has ever produced.  His deep passes to Jones and Jennings brought women and children to tears, his lazers to donald driver could have gone through cement trucks, and his enthusiasm gave the suicidal a reason to live.

HOWEVER....

When the game was on the line who did the Broncoes go at?  Al Harris

Who makes me the most nervous when the quarterback looks his way? Al Harris

Who took awful penalties down the stretch, and has all season? Al Harris ( also Atari Bigbie but love for him because of his name)

On fourth and two, with under 120 seconds, the game on the line, Shanahan calls a play for a glorified third receiver, because he knows the dread-locked one will be on him.  First down.  35 yard gain on a drag play over the middle to set up the field goal, not only did Harris allow the catch but looked like a 7th grader tackling Brandon Jacobs.

Something happened this year in the national media, and I have no idea what could have caused the crazy.  "Al Harris is the best bump coverage corner in the league." If I weren't crying I would have been laughing at their horrendous understanding of football.  He is a bump and run corner because he jumps at every route, might as well let the receivers behind him.

Al Harris: My nominee for the worst player ever 

Physicists are bastards

I know several physics majors. They all have eyes and (mostly) functioning brains. Apparently, this makes them think it’s ok to ruin every action movie I ever watch in their presence. Here’s a typical exchange:

[Main character/hero does something badass, I laugh maniacally with approval]

Physics major: I’m sure he could really rappel 30 stories down an exploding skyscraper while having a threesome with that supermodel and the President’s daughter.

Me: Sorry for trying to enjoy myself. [puts dick back in pants]

Here’s the response I’ve been dying to give them: you’re so clever. You might actually be the first person to realize that Die Hard is unrealistic. And thank you so much for sharing this earth shattering revelation with me in the middle of the most important scenes. For the love of god, movies are considered escapism for a reason. You know what so-called ‘realistic movies’ are? Fucking boring. If I wanted realism, I’d follow some random stranger around all day. (I can tell you from experience, this sucks. At first, you’re watching them do nothing special, but then they see you and call the cops or start running or whatever. And I’m just not in good enough shape to fully experience this realism, to be honest with you.)

So anyway, physicis majors, I’m sorry I’m not trying to lead a joyless, completely rational life like all of you. Someday, you can make the most physically accurate action movie anyone has ever seen. I’m sure you wont be able to stop admiring that explosion that doesn’t result in a gloriously satisfying fireball, or the dead henchman who doesn’t get thrown into the wall by a single shotgun slug. All six of you who see it will have a great time.

That felt good. Here’s some things I think about this weekend’s football action:

CFB

-Noel Devine (WVU) is currently on pace to rush for over 800 yards this season on less than 80 carries. Sweet Jesus. Let’s see if he can keep that going against yet another grossly overmatched opponent.

-Michigan State scares me as a Badger fan, especially since the Badgers have yet to put on a strong performance this season. The front seven will need to have another strong performance to stop MSU’s rushing attack.

-Holy crap, am I excited for Cal-Oregon. DeSean Jackson makes moves that they took out of videogames for being unrealistic. Oregon has…a tough stadium to play in? I don’t know how much stock to put in beating the tar out of a reeling Michigan squad.

-It’s a shame the SEC is on CBS, whose HD coverage is crap. Seriously, CBS, you’re just embarrassing yourselves by not putting all your games in HD. Also, you, as a national network, are no longer allowed to advertise the fact that a game is in HD. This should be standard practice by now.

NFL

-Enough about how bad the NFC North is. Take a look at the NFC South. One of the ‘contenders’ in that division is so bad Jake Plummer chose to flee the NFL over playing for them.

-I’m intrigued to explore the depths of awfulness that is Norv Turner’s coaching when the Chargers play KC this week. Can he keep it close? Can he limit LT to under 100 yards once again?

-Tom Brady should have to play in a 3 piece suit on Monday night, just to make it interesting. But seriously, this game is going to be an ass kicking that probably isn’t even worth watching.

-I have a friend who claims Joey Harrington is a good quarterback. Does everyone know someone like this? Maybe he’s been paying people around the country to defend him because he’s a closet egomaniac. I see crazy in his eyes.

Mike Ditka is the Eddie Murphy of Sunday NFL Countdown

Thanks, ESPN. I just got to suffer through a sketch written by and starring Mike Ditka about why the Jets, Giants, and Eagles are terrible. Ditka played a bartender who acts suspiciously like Mike Ditka, but that’s not all. He also played a Giants fan, a Jets fan, and an Eagles fan who act suspiciously like Mike Ditka as well.

Not only did Ditka get to display his Pacino-esque range by playing four different angry football fans, he also showed us his creativity and extensive vocabulary. Like when the Giants fan said to the Eagles fan, “Wait a minute, butthead, your team sucks too!” Genius, Mr. Ditka, pure genius.

Jason's College Football Preview

I realize that this preview is being published after the college football season has technically started. Since yesterday’s four asskickings shed virtually no new light on the landscape (LSU has a good defense? Really?), it’s not a huge deal that this is coming out late. Still, I feel bad, so I’ll try to write something at least moderately original. Here are reverse predictions, i.e. things that won’t happen this season (starting with most likely to happen anyway):

Darren McFadden Not Winning the Heisman

I realize that the preseason favorite to win the Heisman trophy hardly ever does (see: Brady Quinn) but most preseason Heisman favorites don’t rush for 1600 yards while splitting carries and manage to be the best running back and quarterback on their team. This is a guy who, in the Capitol One Bowl, the Wisconsin Badgers supposedly “bottled up.” He ran for 89 yards on 19 carries! McFadden is outrageously good, and even if he doesn’t win the Heisman, he will probably defend his title as Actual Best Player in College Football*.

Colt Brennan Not Leading the Nation in Pass Efficiency

You can call Colt Brennan a system quarterback. If you say this, you are wrong. It’s pretty simple. System quarterbacks gain a lot of yards and throw a lot of touchdowns, but in doing so they normally throw a lot of incompletions and interceptions. Last year, Colt Brennan led the nation in touchdowns and passing yardage, but he also completed an absurd 72.6% of his passes and led the nation in passer rating by nearly 17 points. His play is not a fluke. Colt Brennan isn’t a system quarterback, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the country. He’s also a badass who stole some shit in Colorado, and got kicked out and exiled to Hawaii, but that’s beside the point.

Four Teams Finishing the Season Undefeated; BCS Computers Melt/Explode

There has been some rumbling that four teams, specifically USC, LSU, Michigan and West Virginia, could finish the season undefeated (I’m looking at you, Dan Shanoff and ESPN). Apparently this would cause the beginning of the biblical apocalypse and penises everywhere would fly off their host bodies and seize control of the world (or something like that). But seriously, I really don’t understand what would cause someone to predict something that has never even come close to happening. This isn’t going out on a limb, this is climbing a tree blindfolded and shouting, “I bet there’s a limb here!” and diving headfirst into nothing. Let’s look at each team individually. USC probably has the best chance at going undefeated, since they play in the Pac-10 and are as talented as ever. LSU has never lived up to expectations under Les Miles, and the SEC is once again loaded. How is this a recipe for an undefeated season? Michigan lost basically their entire defense to the draft, and their month of November is as follows: at Michigan State, at Wisconsin, Ohio State. Michigan never plays well in East Lansing, the Badgers are as good as they’ve ever been and looking to avenge their only loss last season, and Ohio State is still Ohio State (meaning Jim Tressel is still making sure his players only take classes like Shapes 101, Colors 256, and Blocks 211 (ba dum ch!)). West Virginia plays Louisville, at Rutgers, and at an emerging South Florida program who last season smoked the Mountaineers in Morgantown. Shanoff has USC, Michigan, West Virginia, and Texas going undefeated. Texas is a logical choice because the Big 12 pretty much sucks, but they still have to play in the Big 12 championship game, a game that I think only exists to screw with the BCS and the bowl system in general.

Lou Holtz Saying Something Coherent

Or he says something without making that creepy spittle, watery noise. Both of these are extremely unlikely. I think it is a testament to the talent of his Notre Dame teams that they managed to succeed in spite of his crazy, geriatric rambling about government conspiracies, his favorite grocery store, and ways his pet has tried to kill him.

*Note: award only voted on by me