IT'S ALIVE

....for now. While I'm still drunk.

Observations from the hiatus/shutdown:

1. the brewers are AWESOME.

2. damn you brett favre. your crying made me write both earnestly and poorly. perhaps the two are related? in the words of kurt vonnegut, someone should look into this.

3. the bucks are still terrible, in case that was keeping anyone up at night. can we just move this team so i can adopt a real franchise as my nba team with impunity?

maybe i'll continue updating this, maybe i won't. maybe i'll convince john to. i just don't know. all i know is that no one will be on pins and needles waiting for my/our decision.

Let Me Tell You How I Will Save Indiana Basketball

Look, I know some people are probably criticizing IU for giving me an 8 year contract worth over $2 million per year. I'm here to tell you something: do NOT listen to these people. They are public private school assholes who have nothing better to do than bring down my adoring public.

I was worth every red penny (get what I did there? I'm so clever). Here's how I'm going to save Indiana basketball:

Shooting Guards: Number 2 in your coaching strategy books, number 1 in your hearts. Let me tell you, shooting guards are fantastic. They're so great that I started four of them at one time this season at Marquette. Sure, we called Lazar Hayward and Wes Matthews forwards, and Dominic James a point guard, but who am I kidding? They all did the same damn thing. In fact, there's only one thing that shooting guards can't do well, which brings me to my second point....

Ball Screens: People tell me that I should try to "run an offense" with things like "off ball movement" and "passes." These people are way off base. For one thing, there is tons of off ball movement in my offensive system--the tall African du jour has to run all the way from the paint to the top of the key to screen the shooting guard who is dribbling (or point guard, if you want to get technical about it), and then he has to run all the way back to the paint to get called for over the back. No off ball movement, my ass.

Tall Africans: I learned the hard way that you can't play five shooting guards at the same time. And while I'll always have a special place in my heart for that Frederick Douglass Middle School 7th grade 'B' team, I realize now that you need some height on the floor all the time. They have to...um...whats that called, where you grab the missed shot? Rerounding? Sounds right. They have to reround. Now, don't think that because I play a big man (emphasis on the singular) means that I like having them on the floor. I hate seeing my shooting guards upstaged. Luckily, I found a great source of tall people with no discernible basketball skills--Africa. I just bring over some 7-footer to silence the haters and he makes my shooting guards look even better!

Steals: These make the crowd go wild. Who needs fundamental defense that actually prevents scoring when on approximately 10% of your opponents' possessions, you ignite your crowd? This game is all about momentum, not fundamentals. If you're on the road, I still recommend going for steals because everyone on your bench will jump around and take that, "oh no he di'in't" pose with their hands in front of their mouths. I guess you could call me an all or all type of guy; we either give you all excitement with a steal or all opposing possessions scoring points. Shot clock violations and defensive rerounds are for the weak.

So there you have it. The Big Ten won't know what hit them when I convince Dwyane Wade to play his last year of eligibility at Indiana.

Thoughts on Favre's Retirement

I’ve tried to write this piece twice on paper, and at least a dozen times in my head. Every time, I try to reconsider what Brett Favre meant and what his retirement means. Brett Favre was a savior for football in Wisconsin. He almost single handedly pulled the national spotlight back onto a small paper city in Eastern Wisconsin. He is without a doubt the greatest player in the illustrious history of the Green Bay Packers. In this way, his exit signifies the end of an era for older fans.

Favre, however, was also a fixture in the NFL for so long that many don’t know the league without him. Any Packer fan under the age of 21 literally does not know the Packers without Brett Favre. He has taken at least a few snaps in every Packer game we have ever seen. None of us will really fully grasp the implications of this until the beginning of next season, when Aaron Rodgers trots out as our starting quarterback.

On the other hand, opposing fans, particularly those of the Lions, Bears, and Vikings, hated Brett Favre. To them, Favre was a talented but overrated quarterback who turned the ball over a lot and consistently failed to win in domes for much of his career. They despised him, but most of them would also admit that they would give up their first born child for a quarterback with as much talent as he had. They’re glad he’s gone, but even they will miss having an object on which to focus such blinding hatred.

Casual fans have yet another conception of Favre. He famously embodied toughness and durability at a fairly unstable and injury prone position. His consecutive starts streak has been built into a modern legend. He’s simultaneously seen as fun loving and competitive. His very public tribulations have humanized him to a degree no other superstar ever was.

The media adoration of Favre is readily apparent in mainstream media outlets, but a vocal backlash against him is present, and has been growing in recent years. Many have been critical of the way the media covers Favre—they believe he’s given a break because of his candor and ‘aw shucks’ personality in interviews and press conferences. These people don’t see a country boy, they see a savvy superstar who got the press on his side.

All these rewrites and re-thinks have brought me to a single conclusion: Brett Favre may not have been the best football player ever, but based on the aforementioned footprints he has left on the game, he very well could be the most important. Much like Michael Jordan did in the nineties, Favre managed to become the most important (and probably best) player of his era. Their skills captivated millions, spawned backyard imitators, and led to ubiquitous media presences. Michael inspired much of the same intense loyalty and fierce hatred as Favre. Both famously overcame injuries and sickness to play outstanding games. Both were lauded by the press for their skills and competitiveness.

However, unlike Michael Jordan, Brett Favre wasn’t a blank slate. Jordan was whoever the fan wanted him to be, and that’s exactly how he wanted it. Brett Favre, on the other hand, just was. Now, he certainly could handle a press room, but Favre made few efforts to hide his problems. He was disarmingly open about his addictions to alcohol and painkillers, and the problems it was causing his marriage. He hoped that, in spite of all this, we would accept him. His critics might say we never knew the “real Brett Favre,” but I think we have a pretty good idea.

Trades that should have happened

This was a pretty exciting February for the NBA. The Lakers, Suns, and Mavs all made big splashes by trading for Pau Gasol, Shaq, and Jason Kidd, respectively. The Hornets did that thing where you run up the diving board to make a big splash, but then slip, hit your head, and fall limply into the pool by trading for Bonzi Wells and Mike James. Still, I have to give all these teams credit for trying to improve to make an all important playoff push.

Guess who, once again, failed to make any moves? The Milwaukee Bucks. Laugh if you will, but the Bucks are currently stuck in no man's land--too good to land a high lottery pick, too bad to get out of the first round, even in the East (which is pretty damn bad). Some might argue that this team is worth bolstering, since they are only 3 games out of a playoff spot despite being 14 games under .500. Currently there are no more than three people who agree with this stance, and two of them are named Larry. I'm here to propose some trades that will help us achieve a more reachable goal: let's blow this bitch up!

NOTE: None of these trades are espn.com Trade Machine approved because I am a closet old person who doesn't understand technology. I could be typing this as a .txt file for all I know 000110101 (that's binary for an exclamation point) Still, I tried to approximately match salaries based on what I think/know players make (I work too hard, I know).

Trade 1: Michael Redd and Jake Voskuhl to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant

I know you think this trade is woefully unfair, but think about it for a minute. If this trade went through, the Lakers would get two players, both of whom have played in Final Fours, one of whom has won an NCAA title. The Bucks get back one measly player, and he didn't play in a single Final Four. He didn't even go to college, and everyone goes to college now. He must be retarded or something. Kobe recently changed his number from 8 to 24. What a slap in the face to the Laker fanbase. He won't have that problem in Milwaukee, because he could wear 9.432533 x 10^-13, and the Bradley Center would still only be a third full. Also, Michael Redd would shoot lots of long threes and those are fun.
(Aside: Jake Voskuhl is making $1.5 million per rebound per game. Huzzah!)

Trade 2: Dan Gadzuric and Two Clones of Dan Gadzuric to the Bulls for Ben Wallace

This has to be the only reason we still have this guy, right? Larry Harris is a closet geneticist who has perfected human cloning and has been forcing Larry Krystowiak to play the clones so Harris can conduct all his experiments right in front of our faces. And by 'our faces,' I mean an arena that is 33% full. No one cares about the Bucks. Either way, since the real Dan Gadzuric makes $5 million, three of them will match salary with Ben Wallace. Then the Bulls can simultaneously play three people who are incapable of making shots that are not dunks, and as a circus sideshow bonus, they will all be genetically identical.

Trade 3: Yi Jianlian to the Kansas State Wildcats for Michael Beasley

Yi Jianlian never went to college, so he still has four years of eligibility. Everyone knows Beasley is gone, so why not unload him now and get something for him in return, Wildcat fans? Plus, I hear Yi Jianlian is looking to expand his brand, and where better than the world culture center that is Manhattan? (ssh, he still thinks Milwaukee is actually North Los Angeles)

Trade 4: Larry Harris to the Seventh Level of Hell for A Gillette Fusion Razor

The razor will be used to make Larry Krystowiak shave his sex offender goatee. That way the children can come back to games, which will raise attendance. Then the Bucks can employ their first idea for a slogan this season: "Bucks Basketball: the arena is half full, at least on weekends!"

Trade 5: Larry Krystowiak to the Mafia for A Gunny Sack Filled With Nickels

This will allow us to give a steady job to the Larry we don't despise and a satisfyingly merciless beating to the one we do. God, Larry Harris sucks.

In conclusion, Larry Harris is a terrible GM. At least Bill Simmons would be a train wreck of a GM in an intriguing way. Harris has somehow manage to almost clandestinely bland, probably because he knows he sucks and just wants to hold onto this sweet gig for as long as he possibly can. Lucky for him, Herb Kohl actually has less interest in the Bucks than most Wisconsinites, which is impressive, since the most money the average person has invested in the Bucks is the money they spent on their Darvin Ham jersey seven years ago. Whatever, I'm done. The Bucks are dead to me. I'm a Suns fan now.

Bob Knight...okay

So apparently Bob Knight is retired. As of now.

"I didn't know, I've never really known when I was going to step down from this job. As I thought about it, my first thought was at the end of this season," Knight told the Lubbock paper. "My thinking was .. the best thing for the long run for this team would be for Pat and his staff to coach these remaining 10 games."

His statement on the matter is strangely ambiguous, especially considering he's, you know, Bob Knight. Although he didn't really have a reason to imply that journalists are mentally disabled, which is more in his wheelhouse. However, the real question here is why Knight chose to retire now instead of at the end of this or last season. His son, who is slated to become head coach, claims Knight is 'tired.' Wow, really, Pat Knight? Doing one of the most demanding jobs in the world is tiring for 67 year old man? You should be a doctor!

We'll probably never know why Bob Knight chose to retire now, because that would mean we understand how his mind works. Clearly, this will never happen since Knight spent 29 years in Indiana. Scientists still haven't figured out what that kind of proximity to constant boredom does to people, but it normally has effects like this:


Oh, wait. That's rabies. The moral of this story: Bob Knight is crazy.

Aside: The name of the newspaper in Lubbock, Texas is the Avalanche-Journal. This name is both baffling and pretty friggin' cool. We should start naming other cities' newspapers after natural disasters too.

Attn: Citizens of Memphis

An advisory has been put into effect for the following areas: Beale Street.

Director of Police Larry A. Godwin has urged all citizens of Memphis who will be celebrating any occasion in the downtown area of Memphis to please consider alternative dessert options. Pies and Ice Cream (potentially Frozen Custard) have been named to the top of the city's replacement advisory list. Citizens should be cautious when handling funnel cake, cup cakes and pound cake. The Department strongly urges all citizens to avoid birthday cake at all cost, and face potential seizure by patrolling officers to prevent disastrous consequences.

Also, Director Godwin would like to make a note of welcoming newly acquired Grizzly Kwame Brown to the great city of Memphis.

So this game might be important to Packer fans

Well, thanks to Green Bay's Fox affiliate, the Packers have all but sealed up this Sunday's NFC title game. To avoid "giving comfort to the enemy," Fox is canceling their Saturday afternoon broadcast of Seinfeld because it is Eli Manning's favorite show. While this is sure to be effective, here are some other things to try to really rub salt on the wound:

• Take Eli's cabbage patch kids collection hostage
• Steal his squash racquet
• Stop his Citizen Eco Drive watch
• Draw mustaches on all his pictures in his morning paper
  
• Encourage all fans at the game to chant his birth name, Elisha
• Kick Plaxico Burress in the ankle

Seriously though, I like the Packers more than five of the continents and I think this is pretty ridiculous. What will he do? Maybe watch the show on any of the TWENTY OTHER CHANNELS it plays on all the time. Though I do appreciate the effort Green Bay. Just be smarter (or meaner) next time. Maybe instead of withholding Seinfeld from Eli, they should play this, this, and this all day Saturday. Yep, that'll do it.

Michael Flowers has already stolen your girlfriend

Just kidding! You read this blog; there's no way you have a girlfriend, loser. Here is a picture to make you feel better:

An open letter to the Arizona State offensive line

Dear Arizona State offensive line,

You may have noticed that at some point in the last week, you each received a box containing approximately one pound of dog fecal matter. If you have yet to receive said package, I'm afraid I have ruined the surprise. In either event, I'm sure several questions hang heavy on your mind right now. Who would do this? What could I have done to motivate this? More to the point, why, for the love of God, was I sent a box of dog shit?

Let me enlighten you with the answers to those questions. Those unpleasant parcels were sent by none other than me, Rudy Carpenter, the quarterback who has lined up for almost every snap of every game.

For the five of you, this obviously begs the question: why, Rudy, why? Because fuck every single one of your lardasses, thats why. You're all lucky that I didn't go Sgt. Dignam on each of you individually instead of just mailing you boxes of dog shit. I got sacked 55 times this season, which is...ah, fuck, I don't know. I'm an athlete at Arizona State. They don't make us learn things like simple arithmetic. I think our degrees are written in crayon, hooker lipstick, and bronzing oil. What were we even talking about? I've had trouble staying on topic because I've taken so many brutally head crushing shots this season. Oh, that's right, you all are fucking terrible at doing the only thing anyone asks your dumb asses to do.

It's not like this came out of nowhere, either. No, your commitment to shitty play extends well into last season, when you failures with legs gave up 37 sacks. Do you realize how hard it is to stand in the pocket, knowing theres a good chance you're about to get your shit pushed in? No, you don't, because you're too busy ushering linemen and blitzers into the backfield so I can take hits like this. I had to leave the game after that one because I was bleeding from the mouth. Let me repeat that: I BLED FROM THE FUCKING MOUTH. I'm no doctor, but normally that type of injury is reserved for people who got shot in the stomach or are otherwise in the process of being brutally murdered. I should sue every last one of you for sucking so hard. Jesus.

In light of your complete inability to do your jobs, I will take this letter as an opportunity to declare for the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and military drafts, not because I think I'm prepared to do any of these things professionally, but because I am going to end up dying from internal injuries on a football field if I have to stand behind that line for another season. Please, someone get me out of this hellhole.

Go Fuck Yourselves,

Rudy Carpenter

Padres' hot stove boils over, sizzles violently until they panic and turn the heat down slightly

It was reported yesterday that Mark Prior, his paper mache joints, and the Padres agreed to a 1 year, $1 million contract with another $4.5 million in incentives. While on paper this deal appears to be motivated by no logic whatsoever, further research shows that the team also signed Randy Wolf, who is coming off shoulder surgery on his throwing arm. It appears that the Padres are attempting to stock up on the injured, possibly because their team doctors are bored, or they owe a lot of money to a loan shark who is also a surgeon. I just don't know, and I promise to do no research whatsoever to get to the bottom of what I'm sure is a Manchurian Candidate-esque conspiracy.

Anyway, I realize that Major League Baseball players make a lot of money and whatever, but Mark Prior is worth A MILLION DOLLARS?! Really? The only way the Padres are going to get their money's worth from this deal is to pencil in Prior's first regular season start as "Mark Prior Exploding Shoulder Day" and see if they can sell out by giving away signs that look like this:



I'm eagerly anticipating the day Mark Prior gets a surgery named after him.

NL Infields

I just realized that the last two NL MVPs have come from the Phillies, which, you know, doesn't make any sense because they suck. I don't fault either one of the MVPs, because they both Howard and Rollins deserved it, but to win back to back should connote some time of success. I got to thinking that the most likely MVP on that team has to be Chase Utley, if one were to put vegas odds on the upcoming season. Well, that makes 3/4s of the infield MVP caliber, a very high fraction. When arguing about the Brewers, I always make the claim that we have one of the best infields in the MLB, but the first step should be to see if we are the best in the NL. Well, besides the Phillies, Florida would have been a great choice, but they traded the anchor of their infield (Cabrera) this off-season. Other than that, I can't really think of anyone nearly as good as the Brewers/Phils. I actually have to go now, but I will be back with a breakdown of the two teams later on.

Not today

Jason and i had this really cool plan where we were going to do a point counterpoint with the greatest individual streaks of all time in sports. Eric Gange's 84 straight saves, to me, was the greatest thing one player in baseball could do. Every save equaled a win, and he had no certainty about playing time in a game. But right now, i just feel kinda sick. I really don't want to think about baseball for a couple of months.

How hard is this?

C- Jason Kendall
1B- Prince Fielder
2B- Rickie Weeks
3B- Ryan Braun
SS- JJ Hardy
LF- Tony Gwynn/Joe Dillon (.342/.390/.500)
RF- Corey Hart
CF- Bill Hall

Bench: Gross, Mench, Rottino, Rivera, Counsell

Ace- Ben Sheets
2- Yo-do
3- Jeff Suppan
4- Via
5- Dave Bush

LR- Parra
SU- Shouse
SU- Riske
C- Turnbow

There, fine, we are all in agreement. jeeze, calm down.

If the mass media has cursed the Packers, I will hunt it down

I'll be honest, being a Packers fan this year has been nothing short of awesome. Brett Favre is having one of the best seasons of his career, our defense has played extremely well, and our waiver wire star, Ryan Grant, has given the team some semblance of a running game. But the best part of all was that we could play the Patriots Memorial We Get No Respect Card. Sure, Favre was getting the same media suck off he always gets, but no one ever talked about how good the Packers actually were.

I liked it that way.

Before we beat Detroit on Thanksgiving day, I could hold onto my dream where the unheralded Packers upset the previously undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl. I proceed to drink nonstop for a week while living the movie Old School, except Ellen Pompeo is replaced by Elizabeth Banks, and nothing bad ever happens to me.

Why hello there, Ms. Banks.

But now, assholes are noticing (because apparently football pundits only watch games that are nationally televised on national holidays). This is no good, because we will inevitably be cursed by all this newfound media glory. Sure, some might call me superstitious just because I have refused to wear a shirt during Packer games since they beat the Vikings 34-0 the first time I went shirtless during the game. My response is this: shut up, superstition works. And if it doesn't work, you find a new one. That's just how it is. I will hear no argument.

Just know, Jeffri Chadiha and the rest of Mass Media, if you and your ilk curse the Packers with your voodoo of "putting them on national television" and "talking about Packers players that are not Brett Favre" I will find you. I will find you, then I will cover you with the finest truffles the world has to offer, and then I will unleash on you those pigs they use to find said truffles. Rembember, Packers loss=mauling by whatever the fuck those pigs are called. It won't be pretty.

Ride teh Lollercoaster!!!11!!!eleven!!one

Even When Al Harris Does Good, He Does Bad

Harris' tackle of Adrain Peterson in the third quarter may have been good for the Packers since, you know, they were playing football, but in the end he still fucked shit all up, since Peterson will now miss at least this week's game with a torn LCL.

If this injury is serious enough to sideline Purple Jesus for the rest of the season, I'm gonna be hella pissed that I won't get to watch him anymore this season, especially since the Packers don't play the Vikings again this year.

Also, Al Harris may not suck, but the man can rack up the penalties. Also of note, Ahmad Carroll is the fourth most penalized cornerback since 2004 despite not having played a game for almost 2 seasons. That's a commitment to excellence, people.

GB at KC Live Blog

We usually talk over AIM during packer games anyway, so we figured we could bring you a live blog of today's game. We will have our initial thoughts up shortly, and then update at the end of every possession.

Jason: well, kansas city is in first in the afc west despite being outscored
so im not lookin for a very high score here. If the packers dont turn the ball over and get the running game going even a little bit, i think we'll win. Also, if we can force the chiefs to have to deal with the clock somehow, it will be good for us, because herm edwards might MAKE A MISTAKE
John: This could be the best match-up of front 7s in the league. I think the packers have the advantage on the line of scrimmage, on both sides of the ball. That is the main reason we will win this game. However, it has been like 6 years since a punt/kick return has had an impact on a game, so it would be nice to see that
First Chiefs Possession:
JJohn- Front 7 swallows chiefs, i feel good about this game.
First Packers Possession:
KJohn- Did you just hear 104 yards in penalties last week? absolute beasts. Jesus, perfect punt.

P2-
Jason- is dustin colquitt's middle name actually far, or is joe buck trying to make shitty jokes?
John- Buck is doing something shitty, regardless of the facts
John- He just ran really far for not getting very many yards he got that handoff almost 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
Jason- that was a hell of a catch, donald lee is havin a game so far thats his third catch already
John-its my boy koren robinson, wow, i forgot all about him. with his addition we actually have a hell of a reciving core
Jason- assuming hes still any good
John- oh, don't doubt robinson
John- really good pocket protection, way to bouce back o-line
Jason- we have a white receiver?! i guess thats basically a requirement for being good in the nfl now
John- I really like D. Johnson, he had star written all over him coming out of texas.
Jason- yeah.
John- goddamn it greg, lets just start dropping passes.
John? is there a worse idea then giving the backup 40% of the snaps in pracice?
who would do that? i wonder why your number one isnt playing well, herm
Jason- well thats herm edwards undermining the confidence and skills of his starters HE MADE A MISTAKE.
John- Great kick from Mason, and a great tackle on the ensuing return.

C3:
John- Could this game be any more boring on the chief's possession. Run for nothing, sack, incomplete pass, penalty on the secondary.
Jason- well it just got exciting cuz priest homes is in the game
John-and went exactly no where
Jason- He apparently rose from his grave to play today
John- it looked like madden where you get stuck behind your linemen and just keep hitting x

P3:
Jason- ok, ive decided that the packers are clearly better than this team and we need to put this game away w/ a touchdown on this possession.
Jason- maybe the packers should fumble some more
John- i would prefer more drive sustaining penalties against our secondary
Jason- i enjoy those as well
John- that is a really weak mullet to be that excited about
Jason- I KNOW
John- im really upset at buck right now
Jason- he also should go to a full on bandana if he really wants to be white trash
John-brett michaels style?
Jason- and instead of football pants, he can wear leather chaps
John- maybe buck will get allen's name tatooted on his neck.

C4:
John- Maybe herm edwards isn't the dumbest person ever. he just told huard to throw to 88 every play from now on.
Jason- its not hard to coach the chiefs. throw to 88, toss to 27, lather, rinse repeat.
John- really, the number one thing wrong with this game is herm edwards giving croyle 40% of the snaps. i cannot get over how dumb that is. especially, a guy that wasnt even any good in college.
Jason- well herm just gets lost in his eyes

P4:
Jason- man, the jets are killing washington
John- washingon is ruined for the season. the patriots did something to them
John- fuck holding. god i hate penalties
Jason- donald lee is a hero
John- i think brett favre did a crossword puzzle with all that time he just had in the pocket.
John- do the packers just hate sustaining drives long enough to get it in the endzone?
Jason- we have already settled for 3 after a drive coming out at the 2. brett favre just doesnt feel like scoring touchdowns today
John: Good to see john ryan is a capable holder.

C5:
John- damon huard really dosnt want to take any more snaps today, he is just done
big hit by barnett. i think huard just quit, he is just done.

P5:

John- Morency doing his best karati kid impression, that is a play for the ages right there folks.
Jason- morency should try out for the us national team with a boot like that.
that shit was textbook
John- and they are penalizing him for it. thats stupid, he is awesome.
Jason- they should give him a trophy. that was the shit.
Jason- Ok, forward pass.
John- WHAT, IT IS STILL A PENALTY? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT IF IT WAS A FORWARD PASS.
Jason:ugh
John: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. (i apologize to the younger readers).
John: pass by huard. ugh. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck (younger readers probably shouldnt be even watching this game.)
John: Atari Bigbie, your name is running out of value. i am starting to dislike you.

A Look at Wisconsin number ones

Well, Yi played not awful, apparently, and got some good reviews after the game despite his foul trouble (which is well documented, and just as bad as sucking, because teams come to rely on a player as he sits helplessly on the bench). However, Justin Harrell, he of packer first round fame, may have been a worse pick. No, he isn't cause every time I see him i don't want to punch some one a la Yi. However, the Volunteer has exactly as many solo tackles as Donald Driver this year. Only time will tell.

Yi update

For the price of just 26 minutes, the sixth pick in the draft, and an offseason of international humiliation, the Milwaukee Bucks got 9 points and 3 rebounds from Yi Jianlian in his first game. What a double threat!

UPDATE: I was told by a coworker who actually watched the game that Yi didn't play as poorly as his stats indicated. I stand by my criticisms.