The Kwame Cake Incident

IT'S ALIVE

2008-07-26T02:23:00.004-05:00

....for now. While I'm still drunk.

Observations from the hiatus/shutdown:

1. the brewers are AWESOME.

2. damn you brett favre. your crying made me write both earnestly and poorly. perhaps the two are related? in the words of kurt vonnegut, someone should look into this.

3. the bucks are still terrible, in case that was keeping anyone up at night. can we just move this team so i can adopt a real franchise as my nba team with impunity?

maybe i'll continue updating this, maybe i won't. maybe i'll convince john to. i just don't know. all i know is that no one will be on pins and needles waiting for my/our decision.

Let Me Tell You How I Will Save Indiana Basketball

2008-04-03T21:56:00.003-05:00

Look, I know some people are probably criticizing IU for giving me an 8 year contract worth over $2 million per year. I'm here to tell you something: do NOT listen to these people. They are ~~public~~ private school assholes who have nothing better to do than bring down my adoring public.

I was worth every red penny (get what I did there? I'm so clever). Here's how I'm going to save Indiana basketball:

Shooting Guards: Number 2 in your coaching strategy books, number 1 in your hearts. Let me tell you, shooting guards are fantastic. They're so great that I started four of them at one time this season at Marquette. Sure, we called Lazar Hayward and Wes Matthews forwards, and Dominic James a point guard, but who am I kidding? They all did the same damn thing. In fact, there's only one thing that shooting guards can't do well, which brings me to my second point....

Ball Screens: People tell me that I should try to "run an offense" with things like "off ball movement" and "passes." These people are way off base. For one thing, there is tons of off ball movement in my offensive system--the tall African du jour has to run all the way from the paint to the top of the key to screen the shooting guard who is dribbling (or point guard, if you want to get technical about it), and then he has to run all the way back to the paint to get called for over the back. No off ball movement, my ass.

Tall Africans: I learned the hard way that you can't play five shooting guards at the same time. And while I'll always have a special place in my heart for that Frederick Douglass Middle School 7th grade 'B' team, I realize now that you need some height on the floor all the time. They have to...um...whats that called, where you grab the missed shot? Rerounding? Sounds right. They have to reround. Now, don't think that because I play a big man (emphasis on the singular) means that I like having them on the floor. I hate seeing my shooting guards upstaged. Luckily, I found a great source of tall people with no discernible basketball skills--Africa. I just bring over some 7-footer to silence the haters and he makes my shooting guards look even better!

Steals: These make the crowd go wild. Who needs fundamental defense that actually prevents scoring when on approximately 10% of your opponents' possessions, you ignite your crowd? This game is all about momentum, not fundamentals. If you're on the road, I still recommend going for steals because everyone on your bench will jump around and take that, "oh no he di'in't" pose with their hands in front of their mouths. I guess you could call me an all or all type of guy; we either give you all excitement with a steal or all opposing possessions scoring points. Shot clock violations and defensive rerounds are for the weak.

So there you have it. The Big Ten won't know what hit them when I convince Dwyane Wade to play his last year of eligibility at Indiana.

Thoughts on Favre's Retirement

2008-03-06T00:08:00.004-06:00

I’ve tried to write this piece twice on paper, and at least a dozen times in my head. Every time, I try to reconsider what Brett Favre meant and what his retirement means. Brett Favre was a savior for football in Wisconsin. He almost single handedly pulled the national spotlight back onto a small paper city in Eastern Wisconsin. He is without a doubt the greatest player in the illustrious history of the Green Bay Packers. In this way, his exit signifies the end of an era for older fans.

Favre, however, was also a fixture in the NFL for so long that many don’t know the league without him. Any Packer fan under the age of 21 literally does not know the Packers without Brett Favre. He has taken at least a few snaps in every Packer game we have ever seen. None of us will really fully grasp the implications of this until the beginning of next season, when Aaron Rodgers trots out as our starting quarterback.

On the other hand, opposing fans, particularly those of the Lions, Bears, and Vikings, hated Brett Favre. To them, Favre was a talented but overrated quarterback who turned the ball over a lot and consistently failed to win in domes for much of his career. They despised him, but most of them would also admit that they would give up their first born child for a quarterback with as much talent as he had. They’re glad he’s gone, but even they will miss having an object on which to focus such blinding hatred.

Casual fans have yet another conception of Favre. He famously embodied toughness and durability at a fairly unstable and injury prone position. His consecutive starts streak has been built into a modern legend. He’s simultaneously seen as fun loving and competitive. His very public tribulations have humanized him to a degree no other superstar ever was.

The media adoration of Favre is readily apparent in mainstream media outlets, but a vocal backlash against him is present, and has been growing in recent years. Many have been critical of the way the media covers Favre—they believe he’s given a break because of his candor and ‘aw shucks’ personality in interviews and press conferences. These people don’t see a country boy, they see a savvy superstar who got the press on his side.

All these rewrites and re-thinks have brought me to a single conclusion: Brett Favre may not have been the best football player ever, but based on the aforementioned footprints he has left on the game, he very well could be the most important. Much like Michael Jordan did in the nineties, Favre managed to become the most important (and probably best) player of his era. Their skills captivated millions, spawned backyard imitators, and led to ubiquitous media presences. Michael inspired much of the same intense loyalty and fierce hatred as Favre. Both famously overcame injuries and sickness to play outstanding games. Both were lauded by the press for their skills and competitiveness.

However, unlike Michael Jordan, Brett Favre wasn’t a blank slate. Jordan was whoever the fan wanted him to be, and that’s exactly how he wanted it. Brett Favre, on the other hand, just was. Now, he certainly could handle a press room, but Favre made few efforts to hide his problems. He was disarmingly open about his addictions to alcohol and painkillers, and the problems it was causing his marriage. He hoped that, in spite of all this, we would accept him. His critics might say we never knew the “real Brett Favre,” but I think we have a pretty good idea.

Trades that should have happened

2008-02-25T20:32:00.004-06:00

This was a pretty exciting February for the NBA. The Lakers, Suns, and Mavs all made big splashes by trading for Pau Gasol, Shaq, and Jason Kidd, respectively. The Hornets did that thing where you run up the diving board to make a big splash, but then slip, hit your head, and fall limply into the pool by trading for Bonzi Wells and Mike James. Still, I have to give all these teams credit for trying to improve to make an all important playoff push.

Guess who, once again, failed to make any moves? The Milwaukee Bucks. Laugh if you will, but the Bucks are currently stuck in no man's land--too good to land a high lottery pick, too bad to get out of the first round, even in the East (which is pretty damn bad). Some might argue that this team is worth bolstering, since they are only 3 games out of a playoff spot despite being 14 games under .500. Currently there are no more than three people who agree with this stance, and two of them are named Larry. I'm here to propose some trades that will help us achieve a more reachable goal: let's blow this bitch up!

NOTE: None of these trades are espn.com Trade Machine approved because I am a closet old person who doesn't understand technology. I could be typing this as a .txt file for all I know 000110101 (that's binary for an exclamation point) Still, I tried to approximately match salaries based on what I think/know players make (I work too hard, I know).

Trade 1: Michael Redd and Jake Voskuhl to the Lakers for Kobe Bryant

I know you think this trade is woefully unfair, but think about it for a minute. If this trade went through, the Lakers would get two players, both of whom have played in Final Fours, one of whom has won an NCAA title. The Bucks get back one measly player, and he didn't play in a single Final Four. He didn't even go to college, and everyone goes to college now. He must be retarded or something. Kobe recently changed his number from 8 to 24. What a slap in the face to the Laker fanbase. He won't have that problem in Milwaukee, because he could wear 9.432533 x 10^-13, and the Bradley Center would still only be a third full. Also, Michael Redd would shoot lots of long threes and those are fun.
(Aside: Jake Voskuhl is making $1.5 million per rebound per game. Huzzah!)

Trade 2: Dan Gadzuric and Two Clones of Dan Gadzuric to the Bulls for Ben Wallace

This has to be the only reason we still have this guy, right? Larry Harris is a closet geneticist who has perfected human cloning and has been forcing Larry Krystowiak to play the clones so Harris can conduct all his experiments right in front of our faces. And by 'our faces,' I mean an arena that is 33% full. No one cares about the Bucks. Either way, since the real Dan Gadzuric makes $5 million, three of them will match salary with Ben Wallace. Then the Bulls can simultaneously play three people who are incapable of making shots that are not dunks, and as a circus sideshow bonus, they will all be genetically identical.

Trade 3: Yi Jianlian to the Kansas State Wildcats for Michael Beasley

Yi Jianlian never went to college, so he still has four years of eligibility. Everyone knows Beasley is gone, so why not unload him now and get something for him in return, Wildcat fans? Plus, I hear Yi Jianlian is looking to expand his brand, and where better than the world culture center that is Manhattan? (ssh, he still thinks Milwaukee is actually North Los Angeles)

Trade 4: Larry Harris to the Seventh Level of Hell for A Gillette Fusion Razor

The razor will be used to make Larry Krystowiak shave his sex offender goatee. That way the children can come back to games, which will raise attendance. Then the Bucks can employ their first idea for a slogan this season: "Bucks Basketball: the arena is half full, at least on weekends!"

Trade 5: Larry Krystowiak to the Mafia for A Gunny Sack Filled With Nickels

This will allow us to give a steady job to the Larry we don't despise and a satisfyingly merciless beating to the one we do. God, Larry Harris sucks.

In conclusion, Larry Harris is a terrible GM. At least Bill Simmons would be a train wreck of a GM in an intriguing way. Harris has somehow manage to almost clandestinely bland, probably because he knows he sucks and just wants to hold onto this sweet gig for as long as he possibly can. Lucky for him, Herb Kohl actually has less interest in the Bucks than most Wisconsinites, which is impressive, since the most money the average person has invested in the Bucks is the money they spent on their Darvin Ham jersey seven years ago. Whatever, I'm done. The Bucks are dead to me. I'm a Suns fan now.

Bob Knight...okay

2008-02-04T21:31:00.000-06:00

So apparently Bob Knight is retired. As of now.

"I didn't know, I've never really known when I was going to step down from this job. As I thought about it, my first thought was at the end of this season," Knight told the Lubbock paper. "My thinking was .. the best thing for the long run for this team would be for Pat and his staff to coach these remaining 10 games."

His statement on the matter is strangely ambiguous, especially considering he's, you know, Bob Knight. Although he didn't really have a reason to imply that journalists are mentally disabled, which is more in his wheelhouse. However, the real question here is why Knight chose to retire now instead of at the end of this or last season. His son, who is slated to become head coach, claims Knight is 'tired.' Wow, really, Pat Knight? Doing one of the most demanding jobs in the world is tiring for 67 year old man? You should be a doctor!

We'll probably never know why Bob Knight chose to retire now, because that would mean we understand how his mind works. Clearly, this will never happen since Knight spent 29 years in Indiana. Scientists still haven't figured out what that kind of proximity to constant boredom does to people, but it normally has effects like this:

Oh, wait. That's rabies. The moral of this story: Bob Knight is crazy.

Aside: The name of the newspaper in Lubbock, Texas is the Avalanche-Journal. This name is both baffling and pretty friggin' cool. We should start naming other cities' newspapers after natural disasters too.

2008-02-04T01:30:00.000-06:00

Attn: Citizens of Memphis

2008-02-03T00:16:00.000-06:00

An advisory has been put into effect for the following areas: Beale Street.

Director of Police Larry A. Godwin has urged all citizens of Memphis who will be celebrating any occasion in the downtown area of Memphis to please consider alternative dessert options. Pies and Ice Cream (potentially Frozen Custard) have been named to the top of the city's replacement advisory list. Citizens should be cautious when handling funnel cake, cup cakes and pound cake. The Department strongly urges all citizens to avoid birthday cake at all cost, and face potential seizure by patrolling officers to prevent disastrous consequences.

Also, Director Godwin would like to make a note of welcoming newly acquired Grizzly Kwame Brown to the great city of Memphis.

So this game might be important to Packer fans

2008-01-17T12:56:00.000-06:00

Well, thanks to Green Bay's Fox affiliate, the Packers have all but sealed up this Sunday's NFC title game. To avoid "giving comfort to the enemy," Fox is canceling their Saturday afternoon broadcast of Seinfeld because it is Eli Manning's favorite show. While this is sure to be effective, here are some other things to try to really rub salt on the wound:

Take Eli's cabbage patch kids collection hostage
Steal his squash racquet
Stop his Citizen Eco Drive watch
Draw mustaches on all his pictures in his morning paper
Encourage all fans at the game to chant his birth name, Elisha
Kick Plaxico Burress in the ankle

Seriously though, I like the Packers more than five of the continents and I think this is pretty ridiculous. What will he do? Maybe watch the show on any of the TWENTY OTHER CHANNELS it plays on all the time. Though I do appreciate the effort Green Bay. Just be smarter (or meaner) next time. Maybe instead of withholding Seinfeld from Eli, they should play this, this, and this all day Saturday. Yep, that'll do it.

Michael Flowers has already stolen your girlfriend

2007-12-29T13:43:00.000-06:00

Just kidding! You read this blog; there's no way you have a girlfriend, loser. Here is a picture to make you feel better:

An open letter to the Arizona State offensive line

2007-12-27T23:57:00.000-06:00

Dear Arizona State offensive line,

You may have noticed that at some point in the last week, you each received a box containing approximately one pound of dog fecal matter. If you have yet to receive said package, I'm afraid I have ruined the surprise. In either event, I'm sure several questions hang heavy on your mind right now. Who would do this? What could I have done to motivate this? More to the point, why, for the love of God, was I sent a box of dog shit?

Let me enlighten you with the answers to those questions. Those unpleasant parcels were sent by none other than me, Rudy Carpenter, the quarterback who has lined up for almost every snap of every game.

For the five of you, this obviously begs the question: why, Rudy, why? Because fuck every single one of your lardasses, thats why. You're all lucky that I didn't go Sgt. Dignam on each of you individually instead of just mailing you boxes of dog shit. I got sacked 55 times this season, which is...ah, fuck, I don't know. I'm an athlete at Arizona State. They don't make us learn things like simple arithmetic. I think our degrees are written in crayon, hooker lipstick, and bronzing oil. What were we even talking about? I've had trouble staying on topic because I've taken so many brutally head crushing shots this season. Oh, that's right, you all are fucking terrible at doing the only thing anyone asks your dumb asses to do.

It's not like this came out of nowhere, either. No, your commitment to shitty play extends well into last season, when you failures with legs gave up 37 sacks. Do you realize how hard it is to stand in the pocket, knowing theres a good chance you're about to get your shit pushed in? No, you don't, because you're too busy ushering linemen and blitzers into the backfield so I can take hits like this. I had to leave the game after that one because I was bleeding from the mouth. Let me repeat that: I BLED FROM THE FUCKING MOUTH. I'm no doctor, but normally that type of injury is reserved for people who got shot in the stomach or are otherwise in the process of being brutally murdered. I should sue every last one of you for sucking so hard. Jesus.

In light of your complete inability to do your jobs, I will take this letter as an opportunity to declare for the NFL, NBA, NHL, MLB, and military drafts, not because I think I'm prepared to do any of these things professionally, but because I am going to end up dying from internal injuries on a football field if I have to stand behind that line for another season. Please, someone get me out of this hellhole.

Go Fuck Yourselves,

Rudy Carpenter

Padres' hot stove boils over, sizzles violently until they panic and turn the heat down slightly

2007-12-27T23:02:00.000-06:00

It was reported yesterday that Mark Prior, his paper mache joints, and the Padres agreed to a 1 year, $1 million contract with another $4.5 million in incentives. While on paper this deal appears to be motivated by no logic whatsoever, further research shows that the team also signed Randy Wolf, who is coming off shoulder surgery on his throwing arm. It appears that the Padres are attempting to stock up on the injured, possibly because their team doctors are bored, or they owe a lot of money to a loan shark who is also a surgeon. I just don't know, and I promise to do no research whatsoever to get to the bottom of what I'm sure is a Manchurian Candidate-esque conspiracy.

Anyway, I realize that Major League Baseball players make a lot of money and whatever, but Mark Prior is worth A MILLION DOLLARS?! Really? The only way the Padres are going to get their money's worth from this deal is to pencil in Prior's first regular season start as "Mark Prior Exploding Shoulder Day" and see if they can sell out by giving away signs that look like this:

I'm eagerly anticipating the day Mark Prior gets a surgery named after him.

NL Infields

2007-12-21T17:38:00.001-06:00

I just realized that the last two NL MVPs have come from the Phillies, which, you know, doesn't make any sense because they suck. I don't fault either one of the MVPs, because they both Howard and Rollins deserved it, but to win back to back should connote some time of success. I got to thinking that the most likely MVP on that team has to be Chase Utley, if one were to put vegas odds on the upcoming season. Well, that makes 3/4s of the infield MVP caliber, a very high fraction. When arguing about the Brewers, I always make the claim that we have one of the best infields in the MLB, but the first step should be to see if we are the best in the NL. Well, besides the Phillies, Florida would have been a great choice, but they traded the anchor of their infield (Cabrera) this off-season. Other than that, I can't really think of anyone nearly as good as the Brewers/Phils. I actually have to go now, but I will be back with a breakdown of the two teams later on.

Not today

2007-12-13T14:05:00.000-06:00

Jason and i had this really cool plan where we were going to do a point counterpoint with the greatest individual streaks of all time in sports. Eric Gange's 84 straight saves, to me, was the greatest thing one player in baseball could do. Every save equaled a win, and he had no certainty about playing time in a game. But right now, i just feel kinda sick. I really don't want to think about baseball for a couple of months.

How hard is this?

2007-12-03T13:52:00.001-06:00

C- Jason Kendall
1B- Prince Fielder
2B- Rickie Weeks
3B- Ryan Braun
SS- JJ Hardy
LF- Tony Gwynn/Joe Dillon (.342/.390/.500)
RF- Corey Hart
CF- Bill Hall

Bench: Gross, Mench, Rottino, Rivera, Counsell

Ace- Ben Sheets
2- Yo-do
3- Jeff Suppan
4- Via
5- Dave Bush

LR- Parra
SU- Shouse
SU- Riske
C- Turnbow

There, fine, we are all in agreement. jeeze, calm down.

If the mass media has cursed the Packers, I will hunt it down

2007-11-28T19:11:00.000-06:00

I'll be honest, being a Packers fan this year has been nothing short of awesome. Brett Favre is having one of the best seasons of his career, our defense has played extremely well, and our waiver wire star, Ryan Grant, has given the team some semblance of a running game. But the best part of all was that we could play the Patriots Memorial We Get No Respect Card. Sure, Favre was getting the same media suck off he always gets, but no one ever talked about how good the Packers actually were.

I liked it that way.

Before we beat Detroit on Thanksgiving day, I could hold onto my dream where the unheralded Packers upset the previously undefeated Patriots in the Super Bowl. I proceed to drink nonstop for a week while living the movie Old School, except Ellen Pompeo is replaced by Elizabeth Banks, and nothing bad ever happens to me.

Why hello there, Ms. Banks.

But now, assholes are noticing (because apparently football pundits only watch games that are nationally televised on national holidays). This is no good, because we will inevitably be cursed by all this newfound media glory. Sure, some might call me superstitious just because I have refused to wear a shirt during Packer games since they beat the Vikings 34-0 the first time I went shirtless during the game. My response is this: shut up, superstition works. And if it doesn't work, you find a new one. That's just how it is. I will hear no argument.

Just know, Jeffri Chadiha and the rest of Mass Media, if you and your ilk curse the Packers with your voodoo of "putting them on national television" and "talking about Packers players that are not Brett Favre" I will find you. I will find you, then I will cover you with the finest truffles the world has to offer, and then I will unleash on you those pigs they use to find said truffles. Rembember, Packers loss=mauling by whatever the fuck those pigs are called. It won't be pretty.

Ride teh Lollercoaster!!!11!!!eleven!!one

2007-11-13T20:10:00.002-06:00

Even When Al Harris Does Good, He Does Bad

2007-11-13T19:54:00.000-06:00

Harris' tackle of Adrain Peterson in the third quarter may have been good for the Packers since, you know, they were playing football, but in the end he still fucked shit all up, since Peterson will now miss at least this week's game with a torn LCL.

If this injury is serious enough to sideline Purple Jesus for the rest of the season, I'm gonna be hella pissed that I won't get to watch him anymore this season, especially since the Packers don't play the Vikings again this year.

Also, Al Harris may not suck, but the man can rack up the penalties. Also of note, Ahmad Carroll is the fourth most penalized cornerback since 2004 despite not having played a game for almost 2 seasons. That's a commitment to excellence, people.

GB at KC Live Blog

2007-11-04T12:01:00.000-06:00

We usually talk over AIM during packer games anyway, so we figured we could bring you a live blog of today's game. We will have our initial thoughts up shortly, and then update at the end of every possession.

Jason: well, kansas city is in first in the afc west despite being outscored
so im not lookin for a very high score here. If the packers dont turn the ball over and get the running game going even a little bit, i think we'll win. Also, if we can force the chiefs to have to deal with the clock somehow, it will be good for us, because herm edwards might MAKE A MISTAKE
John: This could be the best match-up of front 7s in the league. I think the packers have the advantage on the line of scrimmage, on both sides of the ball. That is the main reason we will win this game. However, it has been like 6 years since a punt/kick return has had an impact on a game, so it would be nice to see that
First Chiefs Possession:
JJohn- Front 7 swallows chiefs, i feel good about this game.
First Packers Possession:
KJohn- Did you just hear 104 yards in penalties last week? absolute beasts. Jesus, perfect punt.

P2-
Jason- is dustin colquitt's middle name actually far, or is joe buck trying to make shitty jokes?
John- Buck is doing something shitty, regardless of the facts
John- He just ran really far for not getting very many yards he got that handoff almost 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage.
Jason- that was a hell of a catch, donald lee is havin a game so far thats his third catch already
John-its my boy koren robinson, wow, i forgot all about him. with his addition we actually have a hell of a reciving core
Jason- assuming hes still any good
John- oh, don't doubt robinson
John- really good pocket protection, way to bouce back o-line
Jason- we have a white receiver?! i guess thats basically a requirement for being good in the nfl now
John- I really like D. Johnson, he had star written all over him coming out of texas.
Jason- yeah.
John- goddamn it greg, lets just start dropping passes.
John? is there a worse idea then giving the backup 40% of the snaps in pracice?
who would do that? i wonder why your number one isnt playing well, herm
Jason- well thats herm edwards undermining the confidence and skills of his starters HE MADE A MISTAKE.
John- Great kick from Mason, and a great tackle on the ensuing return.

C3:
John- Could this game be any more boring on the chief's possession. Run for nothing, sack, incomplete pass, penalty on the secondary.
Jason- well it just got exciting cuz priest homes is in the game
John-and went exactly no where
Jason- He apparently rose from his grave to play today
John- it looked like madden where you get stuck behind your linemen and just keep hitting x

P3:
Jason- ok, ive decided that the packers are clearly better than this team and we need to put this game away w/ a touchdown on this possession.
Jason- maybe the packers should fumble some more
John- i would prefer more drive sustaining penalties against our secondary
Jason- i enjoy those as well
John- that is a really weak mullet to be that excited about
Jason- I KNOW
John- im really upset at buck right now
Jason- he also should go to a full on bandana if he really wants to be white trash
John-brett michaels style?
Jason- and instead of football pants, he can wear leather chaps
John- maybe buck will get allen's name tatooted on his neck.

C4:
John- Maybe herm edwards isn't the dumbest person ever. he just told huard to throw to 88 every play from now on.
Jason- its not hard to coach the chiefs. throw to 88, toss to 27, lather, rinse repeat.
John- really, the number one thing wrong with this game is herm edwards giving croyle 40% of the snaps. i cannot get over how dumb that is. especially, a guy that wasnt even any good in college.
Jason- well herm just gets lost in his eyes

P4:
Jason- man, the jets are killing washington
John- washingon is ruined for the season. the patriots did something to them
John- fuck holding. god i hate penalties
Jason- donald lee is a hero
John- i think brett favre did a crossword puzzle with all that time he just had in the pocket.
John- do the packers just hate sustaining drives long enough to get it in the endzone?
Jason- we have already settled for 3 after a drive coming out at the 2. brett favre just doesnt feel like scoring touchdowns today
John: Good to see john ryan is a capable holder.

C5:
John- damon huard really dosnt want to take any more snaps today, he is just done
big hit by barnett. i think huard just quit, he is just done.

P5:

John- Morency doing his best karati kid impression, that is a play for the ages right there folks.
Jason- morency should try out for the us national team with a boot like that.
that shit was textbook
John- and they are penalizing him for it. thats stupid, he is awesome.
Jason- they should give him a trophy. that was the shit.
Jason- Ok, forward pass.
John- WHAT, IT IS STILL A PENALTY? HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY BELIEVE THAT HE WOULD HAVE DONE THAT IF IT WAS A FORWARD PASS.
Jason:ugh
John: fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. (i apologize to the younger readers).
John: pass by huard. ugh. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck (younger readers probably shouldnt be even watching this game.)
John: Atari Bigbie, your name is running out of value. i am starting to dislike you.

A Look at Wisconsin number ones

2007-11-02T02:44:00.000-05:00

Well, Yi played not awful, apparently, and got some good reviews after the game despite his foul trouble (which is well documented, and just as bad as sucking, because teams come to rely on a player as he sits helplessly on the bench). However, Justin Harrell, he of packer first round fame, may have been a worse pick. No, he isn't cause every time I see him i don't want to punch some one a la Yi. However, the Volunteer has exactly as many solo tackles as Donald Driver this year. Only time will tell.

Yi update

2007-11-01T16:00:00.000-05:00

For the price of just 26 minutes, the sixth pick in the draft, and an offseason of international humiliation, the Milwaukee Bucks got 9 points and 3 rebounds from Yi Jianlian in his first game. What a double threat!

UPDATE: I was told by a coworker who actually watched the game that Yi didn't play as poorly as his stats indicated. I stand by my criticisms.

Lloyd Carr snorts blow off Drew Henne's ass, tonight on BTN!

2007-10-31T15:08:00.000-05:00

Last year, Big Ten Commissioner Jim Delany decided that Big Ten sports weren't already, on their own, enough of a cash cow, so he decided to start the Big Ten Network. This network would start by showing ~~shitty~~ select football games to gain a toehold on cable systems (Charter, Time Warner, Comcast, and the like). Once this happened, they would begin showing more and more games until they controlled most Big Ten sports programming. This would make everyone associated with the Big Ten totally fucking rich.

pictured, from left to right: Jim Tressel, Jim Delany, Mark D'Antonio, Lloyd Carr

But, unfortunately for the Big Ten, no one wanted to pick up their network. There are several reasons for this, and I will go through them now:

Cable Companies are all greedy assholes. Instead of picking up the network and placing them on basic cable like the Big Ten wants, cable companies want to put BTN in the sports tier package, basically so they can charge us more and pay less for BTN. In layman's terms, instead of making a lot of money, cable companies want to make a fucking lot of money. Apparently, this is a distinction only a complete asswipe can make.

Cable operators swim in the blood money of their customers.

BTN is run by assholes. Instead of asking a reasonable price of cable companies, BTN is asking for $1.10 per subscriber. This means nothing to most of you. Know that CNN, one of the most watched cable networks in the world, asks $0.55 per subscriber. In light of this, BTN has the gall to complain that cable companies are depriving subscribers of the channel. Well, if they would just settle for a lot of money, instead of deciding they have to have a fucking lot of money, this could be settled.

Honestly, I wouldn't even really care about getting this network if the Big Ten hadn't decided recently to tighten the screws with cable operators by moving away from showing games that are ~~shitty~~ select, and actually showing games people want to watch, like my Badgers' showdown with top ranked Ohio State this weekend. And when my hedonistic desire to not leave my house unless alcohol is involved is inhibited by the Big Ten and Charter's desire to cackle and light cigars for classy hookers with $100 bills, shit's gonna go down, and it won't be pretty.

Wild Predictions

2007-10-31T01:45:00.001-05:00

This is a feature I started while writing for the Flambeau back at MUHS. In general, I say some pretty outlandish things, then refuse to back down. So in honor of my terrible argument technique, I give you some WPs . . .

Bill Hall will bounce back in 2008, and will be in the conversation for Brewer's MVP with Fielder and Hardy . . . Yi will set a rookie record for most front office execs fired . . . Brett Favre . . . Candace Parker will be more dominant then any other player in college sports, and still no one cares . . . Alexander Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby are the best two young players in any sport (yes Greg and Kevin, even you)

Counterpoint: Al Harris is not an asshole

2007-10-30T00:10:00.001-05:00

Just kidding! Did you see his attempt to tackle Selvin Young in the fourth quarter? The refs called holding on the receiver, possibly because they feel bad for that ninny, but more likely because they, like the viewers, couldn't believe that Harris could have made such a poor attempt if he wasn't held. If the Packers want tackles like that, I just want to say that I'm available, and I only want, like, $100,000 a year. Dump this motherfucker already.

Also, Brett Favre is an All-American hero whose touchdown passes impregnate all women within a three mile radius. Take that, female Broncos fans!

Al Harris Sucks, Mike Shannhan knows this, Brett Favre does not care

2007-10-29T22:28:00.001-05:00

This post will be broken up into two sections:

"to God the glory, and He came through for me in the end"

~Greg Jennings post game interview

The receivers know of the divinity of number four.

Brett Favre is the greatest player to ever play sports. His arm is the greatest national treasure, and could be the greatest thing the world has ever produced. His deep passes to Jones and Jennings brought women and children to tears, his lazers to donald driver could have gone through cement trucks, and his enthusiasm gave the suicidal a reason to live.

HOWEVER....

When the game was on the line who did the Broncoes go at? Al Harris

Who makes me the most nervous when the quarterback looks his way? Al Harris

Who took awful penalties down the stretch, and has all season? Al Harris ( also Atari Bigbie but love for him because of his name)

On fourth and two, with under 120 seconds, the game on the line, Shanahan calls a play for a glorified third receiver, because he knows the dread-locked one will be on him. First down. 35 yard gain on a drag play over the middle to set up the field goal, not only did Harris allow the catch but looked like a 7th grader tackling Brandon Jacobs.

Something happened this year in the national media, and I have no idea what could have caused the crazy. "Al Harris is the best bump coverage corner in the league." If I weren't crying I would have been laughing at their horrendous understanding of football. He is a bump and run corner because he jumps at every route, might as well let the receivers behind him.

Al Harris: My nominee for the worst player ever

Physicists are bastards

2007-09-27T16:03:00.000-05:00

I know several physics majors. They all have eyes and (mostly) functioning brains. Apparently, this makes them think it’s ok to ruin every action movie I ever watch in their presence. Here’s a typical exchange:

[Main character/hero does something badass, I laugh maniacally with approval]

Physics major: I’m sure he could really rappel 30 stories down an exploding skyscraper while having a threesome with that supermodel and the President’s daughter.

Me: Sorry for trying to enjoy myself. [puts dick back in pants]

Here’s the response I’ve been dying to give them: you’re so clever. You might actually be the first person to realize that Die Hard is unrealistic. And thank you so much for sharing this earth shattering revelation with me in the middle of the most important scenes. For the love of god, movies are considered escapism for a reason. You know what so-called ‘realistic movies’ are? Fucking boring. If I wanted realism, I’d follow some random stranger around all day. (I can tell you from experience, this sucks. At first, you’re watching them do nothing special, but then they see you and call the cops or start running or whatever. And I’m just not in good enough shape to fully experience this realism, to be honest with you.)

So anyway, physicis majors, I’m sorry I’m not trying to lead a joyless, completely rational life like all of you. Someday, you can make the most physically accurate action movie anyone has ever seen. I’m sure you wont be able to stop admiring that explosion that doesn’t result in a gloriously satisfying fireball, or the dead henchman who doesn’t get thrown into the wall by a single shotgun slug. All six of you who see it will have a great time.

That felt good. Here’s some things I think about this weekend’s football action:

CFB

-Noel Devine (WVU) is currently on pace to rush for over 800 yards this season on less than 80 carries. Sweet Jesus. Let’s see if he can keep that going against yet another grossly overmatched opponent.

-Michigan State scares me as a Badger fan, especially since the Badgers have yet to put on a strong performance this season. The front seven will need to have another strong performance to stop MSU’s rushing attack.

-Holy crap, am I excited for Cal-Oregon. DeSean Jackson makes moves that they took out of videogames for being unrealistic. Oregon has…a tough stadium to play in? I don’t know how much stock to put in beating the tar out of a reeling Michigan squad.

-It’s a shame the SEC is on CBS, whose HD coverage is crap. Seriously, CBS, you’re just embarrassing yourselves by not putting all your games in HD. Also, you, as a national network, are no longer allowed to advertise the fact that a game is in HD. This should be standard practice by now.

NFL

-Enough about how bad the NFC North is. Take a look at the NFC South. One of the ‘contenders’ in that division is so bad Jake Plummer chose to flee the NFL over playing for them.

-I’m intrigued to explore the depths of awfulness that is Norv Turner’s coaching when the Chargers play KC this week. Can he keep it close? Can he limit LT to under 100 yards once again?

-Tom Brady should have to play in a 3 piece suit on Monday night, just to make it interesting. But seriously, this game is going to be an ass kicking that probably isn’t even worth watching.

-I have a friend who claims Joey Harrington is a good quarterback. Does everyone know someone like this? Maybe he’s been paying people around the country to defend him because he’s a closet egomaniac. I see crazy in his eyes.

Mike Ditka is the Eddie Murphy of Sunday NFL Countdown

2007-09-23T11:36:00.000-05:00

Thanks, ESPN. I just got to suffer through a sketch written by and starring Mike Ditka about why the Jets, Giants, and Eagles are terrible. Ditka played a bartender who acts suspiciously like Mike Ditka, but that’s not all. He also played a Giants fan, a Jets fan, and an Eagles fan who act suspiciously like Mike Ditka as well.

Not only did Ditka get to display his Pacino-esque range by playing four different angry football fans, he also showed us his creativity and extensive vocabulary. Like when the Giants fan said to the Eagles fan, “Wait a minute, butthead, your team sucks too!” Genius, Mr. Ditka, pure genius.

Jason's College Football Preview

2007-08-31T15:43:00.000-05:00

I realize that this preview is being published after the college football season has technically started. Since yesterday’s four asskickings shed virtually no new light on the landscape (LSU has a good defense? Really?), it’s not a huge deal that this is coming out late. Still, I feel bad, so I’ll try to write something at least moderately original. Here are reverse predictions, i.e. things that won’t happen this season (starting with most likely to happen anyway):

Darren McFadden Not Winning the Heisman

I realize that the preseason favorite to win the Heisman trophy hardly ever does (see: Brady Quinn) but most preseason Heisman favorites don’t rush for 1600 yards while splitting carries and manage to be the best running back and quarterback on their team. This is a guy who, in the Capitol One Bowl, the Wisconsin Badgers supposedly “bottled up.” He ran for 89 yards on 19 carries! McFadden is outrageously good, and even if he doesn’t win the Heisman, he will probably defend his title as Actual Best Player in College Football*.

Colt Brennan Not Leading the Nation in Pass Efficiency

You can call Colt Brennan a system quarterback. If you say this, you are wrong. It’s pretty simple. System quarterbacks gain a lot of yards and throw a lot of touchdowns, but in doing so they normally throw a lot of incompletions and interceptions. Last year, Colt Brennan led the nation in touchdowns and passing yardage, but he also completed an absurd 72.6% of his passes and led the nation in passer rating by nearly 17 points. His play is not a fluke. Colt Brennan isn’t a system quarterback, he’s one of the best quarterbacks in the country. He’s also a badass who stole some shit in Colorado, and got kicked out and exiled to Hawaii, but that’s beside the point.

Four Teams Finishing the Season Undefeated; BCS Computers Melt/Explode

There has been some rumbling that four teams, specifically USC, LSU, Michigan and West Virginia, could finish the season undefeated (I’m looking at you, Dan Shanoff and ESPN). Apparently this would cause the beginning of the biblical apocalypse and penises everywhere would fly off their host bodies and seize control of the world (or something like that). But seriously, I really don’t understand what would cause someone to predict something that has never even come close to happening. This isn’t going out on a limb, this is climbing a tree blindfolded and shouting, “I bet there’s a limb here!” and diving headfirst into nothing. Let’s look at each team individually. USC probably has the best chance at going undefeated, since they play in the Pac-10 and are as talented as ever. LSU has never lived up to expectations under Les Miles, and the SEC is once again loaded. How is this a recipe for an undefeated season? Michigan lost basically their entire defense to the draft, and their month of November is as follows: at Michigan State, at Wisconsin, Ohio State. Michigan never plays well in East Lansing, the Badgers are as good as they’ve ever been and looking to avenge their only loss last season, and Ohio State is still Ohio State (meaning Jim Tressel is still making sure his players only take classes like Shapes 101, Colors 256, and Blocks 211 (ba dum ch!)). West Virginia plays Louisville, at Rutgers, and at an emerging South Florida program who last season smoked the Mountaineers in Morgantown. Shanoff has USC, Michigan, West Virginia, and Texas going undefeated. Texas is a logical choice because the Big 12 pretty much sucks, but they still have to play in the Big 12 championship game, a game that I think only exists to screw with the BCS and the bowl system in general.

Lou Holtz Saying Something Coherent

Or he says something without making that creepy spittle, watery noise. Both of these are extremely unlikely. I think it is a testament to the talent of his Notre Dame teams that they managed to succeed in spite of his crazy, geriatric rambling about government conspiracies, his favorite grocery store, and ways his pet has tried to kill him.

*Note: award only voted on by me

Wow, we need to post more

2007-08-24T01:05:00.000-05:00

This news is a follow up to our last post, which is almost a month old. Jesus, we're lazy (especially John). [variety.com via tvtattle.com]

UPDATE: Our last post was over a month ago, not almost a month ago. We apologize for the error and the sloth.

NBC redeems itself for "Football Night in America"

2007-07-17T12:38:00.001-05:00

Current head of NBC Ben Silverman was already a good man in my book since he is one of the executive producers of The Office. With this news, however, he has cemented his status as somewhere between "bona fide badass" and "second coming of the messiah:"

Silverman confirmed that he's looking to develop a new take on the campy 1980s franchise "American Gladiators" via his old Reveille banner. Given the success of "Heroes," a reality show with superhero themes seems logical. Exec refused to discuss how the show may fit into NBC's brand, however, dismissing a question about the project by saying, "There's no deal done."

I would be worried that he's going to botch this completely and change everything that made Gladiators glorious to begin with, but Silverman gives viewers plenty of reasons to be confident. As previously mentioned, he is in charge of one of the funniest and most original shows on television. He also (and I cannot stress this enough) thinks it's a good idea to put American Gladiators back on television. I can probably count on one hand how many people agree with this decision. Most of the time I tell people I like American Gladiators, they look at me like I just stabbed a member of their family. For these people, I will now explain why American Gladiators is the absolute balls:

1. Steroids-Go take a second look at that picture. The gladiators make East German swimmers look responsible in their steroid intake. Those women have bigger balls than I do. Anyway, this helped the show by making it seem amazing that the contestants ever beat the gladiators in anything ever, even though their steroid addled bodies were about as agile as a drunken rhino.

2. The Eliminator-Remember when you were a kid, and you and your friends would set up obstacle courses on the playground for races? Well, if you took that childhood ingenuity and added to it copious amounts of money and brutality, you would get the Eliminator. The best obstacle in the Eliminator only appeared in the first season, where contestants had to cross a balance beam while the gladiators attempted to blindside them with medicine balls, because we all know nothing is more entertaining than 'roid rage, a 12 pound blunt weapon, and a target.

3. Joust-This event was great because it required absolutely no thought whatsoever. Coincidentally, this was also why the gladiators destroyed the contestants here. By far the best part of this event was host Mike Adamle interviewing the winner while sitting in a chair hanging from a boom 10 feet off the ground, one of the more visually awkward experiences I've ever had.

4. Interviews-Not just Adamle's post-joust interviews were hilariously awkward. The hosts of American Gladiators make today's sideline reporters look intelligent, well spoken, and insightful. Maybe its because most events in American Gladiators don't require even a hint of strategy, or maybe its because the hosts spoke only in cliche and never asked any questions, but most interviews were more awkward pause and stammering than actual speech. I can't imagine what Larry Csonka would be like on a date.
Larry: "So, you're eating food."
Date: "Yeah...this is a restaurant."
Larry: "You have the heart of a champion."
Date: "What? What is that even supposed to mean?"
Larry: "I wouldn't want you on my heels in a race."
Date: "I'm leaving."
5. Dorann Cumberbatch- Dorann was the female grand champion in the second season. She also has the distinction of being the most homely person (man or woman) I have ever laid eyes on. Her face literally haunts my dreams.

Wow, people are really that dumb

2007-07-16T22:29:00.001-05:00

I have actually lost respect for deadspin.com after reading this terrible excuse for content they linked to. apparently some guy who writes for "ontheshow" took it upon himself to glance at a Brewer's lineup and decide he knows more than anyone who actually "watches" baseball games. His site does contain a disclaimer, "No research will be done in the making of anything . . . this is for humor purposes only" unfortunately he forgot to include jokes in his post, unless we were supposed to understand that his logical train was, in fact, a joke in its self. At least some of my Brewer's fans out there got on him in the comments. It just reminds me how much up hill fighting we in the midwest have to do to get any respect from the coast dwellers. These guys are as bad as the ESPN the devoutly hate. Do your best to have fun out there.

Ways Yi Jianlian and I are similar

2007-07-16T20:51:00.000-05:00

We are both under the age of 23
We both have virtually no basketball experience against elite competition
We rock old men and furniture in games of one-on-one
We think Larry Harris and the Milwaukee Bucks are delusional if they believeYi Jianlian is playing professionally in Milwaukee

Seriously, what indicated to the Bucks that Yi wanted to play in Milwaukee? The fact that we were not invited to his private workouts? The fact that his agents said he would not play here? Maybe they thought that all 8 Chinese Milwaukeeans would attract him here, and they could start a very small, quaint China village (or just live in a very large house together).

Ugh. Larry Harris's bullshit is tainting my Percocet buzz.

UPDATE: Now, in addition to Yi's representation and Yi himself not wanting to play in Milwaukee, the Chinese National Team is forbidding him from doing so. And based on what I learned about the nation of China from Jack Bauer and 24, I'd say this is more a promise than a threat.

The Beginning

2007-07-12T16:28:00.001-05:00

This is the first of hopefully many updates that will grace the pages of this blog over the next few months. Jason and I have mulled over starting this for awhile, but we finally took the plunge. The content will be generally pertaining to sports, both in the blog form, rapid fire thoughts and upates, as well as column-type writings meant to be more stand alone in nature. Comments are always welcome, and I promise you that emails will be respond to post haste. Have fun out there.